If You Want Me To Listen, Whisper
by LauraUriex
Summary: Kyle can't complain about his life, for he has the best friends he could ask for. However, he's been keeping a secret for years: he is fatally and obsessively attracted to his best friend's boyfriend,Eric, a tough guy and a control freak. He knows that, if the truth ever came out, it could ruin everything, but the desire he holds for Eric is not that easy to deal with. Kyman/Heiman
1. A Dark Secret

_**Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the South Park world, which is trademarked by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. All the characters are created and owned by them, and I do not claim any ownership over them or the world of South Park. The story I tell here is my own invention, and it is not purported or believed to be part of the story canon. This story is for entertainment only and is not part of the official story line.**_

I, Kyle Broflovski, had been deceived many times in the past, mostly because I was a kind soul and people would take advantage of that, but the friends I had when I was in Senior Year were the most amazing people I'd ever had the pleasure to meet.

I had met them rather casually, at a party a couple weeks before high school had begun; at the time, we were sharing a mutual friend, Clyde, who had never really been too nice, but I had always thought he had done one good thing, which was introducing us to each other.

The bond between us had been instant and we'd become fast friends in what had proved itself to be the best fortnight of my life.

Said people were a smart and funny girl, Heidi, Eric, who was her boyfriend, a nerdy guy who was cool but also very cynical named Stan, a quiet, yet very complex boy called Kenny and his boyfriend, Butters.

Two weeks later, we had already created a tight-knit group and excluded Clyde from our lives.

I couldn't describe the amount of happiness I felt when I was with them, it was like I had found a second family and I couldn't be more thankful to whatever God there was for giving me such great people as friends.

So, once we had found ourselves in the same class at school, things could only get better.

However, appearance can be misleading, sometimes, for there was something I had kept buried within myself for years.

I had always been emotionally drawn to Eric, despite him being Heidi's lover.  
It hadn't always been a strong feeling, for it was only simple attraction at first, but, as time went on, it became an obsession.

I liked Heidi a bit more than I did the remaining four of our gang, as she was the only one who treated me kindly and with the most respect.

The others deeply cared about me, but they were a bit more annoying and had a liking for pranks, which went too far, sometimes.

Heidi was a very nice girl with a heart of gold, to my mind, so, the fact that I was maybe in love with her boyfriend had always found a way to make me feel guilty.

Eric was a big guy, he was bold and wasn't afraid of anything.

He could be a bit too irritating for certain aspects, given he was tactless and rude, but he was also a good guy, deep down, although he could appear intimidating.

He was an incurable narcissist, his favorite pastime was looking in a mini mirror, which he brought wherever he went.

His love for Heidi was intense, anyone could see. He would often spoil her with gifts, loving words and a lot of affection.  
But he was like that with her only.  
He had bullying tendencies, even towards his friends, sometimes.  
If anyone ever tried to cross him, they would not get out unpunished.  
A lot of people feared him, even some teachers, and I was glad that I was in his circle.  
If he cared about someone, he would protect them in any way he could, so I always felt safe when around him.  
My attraction to that guy was strong, not only physically -his eyes were to die for - but also mentally and a little bit on the violent side.  
For example, whenever I saw Eric get into a fight, my body couldn't help reacting to it.  
When the whole group was together, shit went down.  
We would often gather at Eric's house to play videogames and have our own parties, which often ended with me being covered in toilet paper or shaving cream.  
I was the victim of the worst pranks, given I was shy and wouldn't react too much, so they would try to get me to "toughen up".  
Not that I didn't like it, as I was at the center of attention the whole time I was with them.  
Or rather, the center of _Eric's_ attention.  
Everyone always came up with clever ideas to annoy me, but they were never as good as what Eric was able to think of.  
He knew I hated feet, I found them disgusting and stinky, so he would often put his feet on me and move them around.  
Everyone but Heidi joined in on the fun, usually.  
She thought they were a bit too mean, sometimes, but they didn't really listen to her.  
One night, when we were all having a sleepover at Kenny's, their feet game took a different turn.  
I had always had a thing for being dominated, something that each and every one of my friends knew quite well - as I had revealed one time when drunk.  
What happened was that Eric pushed me on Kenny's bed and put his foot on my head, pinning me down and preventing me from being able to escape.  
My initial reaction to it was to scream in apparent disgust, but it was fake. I didn't have a problem with being pushed down like that.  
While laughing out loud and pretending to be irritated by it, thoughts ran through my head.  
Eric was _dominating_ me in a way and I was enjoying it.  
Everyone else was laughing, especially Stan.  
"Stop!" I screamed through the laughter, although what came out of my mouth was nowhere close to the truth.  
Heidi was witnessing the whole thing, so I had to put an end to it, what if she had noticed that something was going on in my southern region?  
Erections are not easy to hide.  
"Ok, Ok!" Eric growled, with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.  
He removed his foot from me and sat on the floor, going back to his Cheesy Poofs.  
Kenny had filmed the whole thing and was already watching it on loop.  
Thankfully, my pants situation wasn't in the video.  
I ran to the bathroom, hoping no one would notice what I was trying to hide.  
When I came back in Kenny's room, the two couples were kissing, while Stan was on his phone, texting his on again off again girlfriend, Wendy.  
Nobody seemed to be suspicious or anything, good.  
The rest of the night went by smoothly, just like every night we spent together.  
Fun, laughter, drinking games, board games... Until the clock stroke 6 am and sleep took over us.  
I fell asleep in a sleeping bag, next to Eric and Heidi, who were sharing a very large one.  
It wasn't a coincidence that my head was on his shoulder.

* * *

We were so close that we would go out daily, even on school nights.  
Things were obviously a bit tamer than the weekends.  
We would usually meet at a bar, Tweek Coffee, which was usually open until midnight.  
Sometimes, the whole group couldn't be together, so it was usually Heidi and I only.  
Kenny and Butters either went on dates or with their other group of friends, while Stan didn't enjoy going out and Eric had a job.  
He had a fishing job with his uncle, so they had to work at night.  
I always wondered how he could find the strength to work up to 2 am and then go to school on the day after.  
Heidi's parents didn't really like the idea of her being with Eric, so she would often talk to me about how hard it was for her to live like that.  
That March Monday, especially.  
She was going on about how much her parents hated him because, to them, a fisherman couldn't afford her.  
She was crying because she couldn't take it anymore.  
"I don't understand why they act like that! Cole's girlfriend doesn't even have a job and they love her like a daughter, while they hate Eric with all their heart!"  
Looking at her cry like that, her tears running down her beautiful face, hurt me, too. All I wanted was for her to be happy, to see her smile.  
But I couldn't help feeling like shit for the feelings I had for her boyfriend.  
I thought she was lucky to have him as her partner and that her parents should have been ecstatic about it.  
"Heidi, please, don't cry. I can understand you when it comes to parents, they can be a pain in the ass, sometimes. They will have to make peace with it, eventually. That, or they lose you." I said, trying to speak as warmly as I could.  
I really disliked her parents for making her feel like this, when she didn't deserve any of it.  
" Thanks, Kyle. I feel so thankful that I have a friend like you to talk to. " she said, smiling at me while drying her tears with a tissue.  
I smiled back at her, but the guilt in my gut kept sizzling.  
_Would you still be thankful if you knew how I feel about_ _your_ _boyfriend_?  
" No worries, I am lucky to have you, too, Heidi." I replied, holding her hand to comfort her.  
People there might have thought we were a couple, given the looks we were receiving.  
But they couldn't be more wrong.  
If they had known she had a boyfriend that I liked, they would have all spat on me, for both being gay and being interested in him.  
I had kept the secret for years now, but it was becoming rather unbearable.  
Eric wasn't too faithful to her, either, though.  
He was provoking me, in a way, of that I was sure.

It wasn't only his foot prank. He would often remove my shirt, slap my butt, straddle me, hump me, one time he had held me tightly and hit my butt with his knee...  
Some people might say that was only friendly stuff... Could have been, but everyone knew I was gay.  
If anything, they thought I wanted to infiltrate Butters and Kenny's relationship.  
Eric knew of my attraction to him so he would play with it, to see if I would ever give in to the seduction, but I just couldn't.  
Heidi was the constant thought when it came to it, so I would have never made a move on him.  
He sure wasn't making it easy, being the sex god that he was.  
The only thing I could do was ignore his little game and act as if those things didn't have any effect on me and that he was nothing but a friend to me. A brother, if anything.  
An older brother who protected me from the bad people in the world.

For a while, I had tried to convince myself that what I felt for him was just admiration, platonic love... But it just wasn't.  
I needed him, I felt like I couldn't live without him.  
I had even had my mother buy the same fabric softener Eric's mom used, just so that my clothes would smell like him and I could feel him closer.  
Also, if I couldn't sleep I would play a voice message of Eric's from our group chat, as his voice was so soothing that I needed to hear it to be relaxed.  
While all these thoughts were running through my mind, Heidi noticed I had zoned out.  
I was blankly staring at a random guy, so she gave me a suggestive look.  
"You are disgusting, Kyle!" she said while shaking her head. "I wonder what goes through that pretty little head of yours, sometimes."  
"Ah, yeah, silly me. I just can't help staring at guys' butts." I giggled.  
Whenever I had thoughts about Eric, I would pretend to check out random guys, so that Heidi wouldn't suspect anything.  
_Trust me, you don't want to know what goes through my mind._


	2. The Car Talk

One particular Friday, all six of us went to a bowling alley, called Mick's Bowling.

I was never that good at bowling, but I always found it a rather interesting game to play, especially with my friends.

Plus, that would have probably meant getting close to Eric, as he was, on the contrary, amazing at it.

One thing that had characterized our friendship from day one was him teaching me how to do things, like playing a game and such.

It was something we both enjoyed about the other.

The list of turns was as followed,

HEIERKYSTABUKE (Our team name and the name of the group chat)

1\. Eric

2\. Heidi

3\. Kenny

4\. Butters

5\. Stan

6\. Kyle

So, I was the last one to throw the ball, which gave me the chance to observe the previous players.

As we arrived to our row, Eric was already holding the heaviest ball, for the showoff that he was.

He was very competitive, but not in a friendly way - he was a vicious player, no matter what game it was he played- and he was extremely obsessed with himself and the way he appeared to others, so of course he had to _impress us._

"Wow, babe, be careful not to break your shoulder muscles with that ball!" Heidi giggled in a cheering way. I watched as she walked closer to him to give him a kiss on the cheek. Then, she happily touched the ball that her boyfriend was carrying with apparent ease.

They were unbelievably cute together, I had to admit. It was like they made me believe in love.

It wasn't something that healthy, given my attraction to one of them, but I can swear it on anything that it didn't really bother me to see them being cute with each other.

Weird, but it was true. I had accepted that Eric was her boyfriend and all, but still, I couldn't stop looking at his lips, the way he moved...

I snapped out of my contemplation because Stan slapped my shoulders quite hard.

"What are you doing, Kyle?" he asked, amused. "Don't stare at them, that's creepy."

"I'm not staring!" I said, defensively. I was blushing furiously, but no one could see that because I had already seen it coming.

Ever since being caught blushing because Eric had talked about shaving his balls (and not finding the words to justify that action) I had found a clever way to hide it.

I resorted to wearing my mom's foundation whenever I'd go out with them and Eric was around.

No one could tell I was wearing it, so my crimson red face was concealed at its finest, thankfully.

"I've just had enough with Eric acting all pompous and stuff." I almost shouted, making sure I got Eric's attention.

Oh, how good it felt whenever that desire was fulfilled.

I saw his mouth drop in a fake offended gasp, nothing was funnier than that.

"I'll throw you instead of the ball if you don't shut up, you stupid Jew!" He said in a playfully menacing tone, to which I replied to by blowing raspberry.

Those moments, I really loved.

It was really funny to cross Eric like that, sometimes, knowing that he would have never really done anything to hurt me.

Just like I had predicted, when it was my turn to roll the ball - the lightest one, of course, given I was very thin- he came to the rescue.

It's not like I sucked at it, I would exaggerate my inability to play just so that he would teach me something and I would get his attention.

I was desperate for it, I realized that, but it wasn't really an issue for me.

As long as I got him to wrap his arms around me to put me into the right position, I was happy.

A few minutes later, I threw the ball in the way he had instructed and managed to achieve a strike.

"That was only because I taught him how to do that!" Eric stated in his usual smug way, while everyone else clapped their hands and cheered for me.

The bastard, he always wanted to be praised for anything, even if he didn't do it. He was awful.

To no one's surprise, Eric won the match, with around 300 points and I came in last. Ironically, he, Heidi and Kenny were on the podium, following the team list.

"Ah-ha!" Eric said, looking at me, while walking out of the alley, abusing his bragging rights.

It wasn't that late at night, it was around 1 am, but Heidi had to go home, because her family was very strict when it came to curfews.

"I told you I would win. I'm the best at anything, while you suck at the simplest things! Face it, you will never get on my level."

Damn him, he was so insufferable when he acted like that, but I didn't want to spoil the fun.

"I couldn't be on your level, for I am very much shorter than you are."

Not my best come back, but it made everyone laugh about it.

Eric responded by slapping me across the head.

Since we were all together, we had to split in two cars, in order to get everyone home safely.

All of them except for me and Stan were drivers, but Butters wasn't feeling well on that night and Kenny hadn't brought his driver's license with him, so half of us had to go with Heidi, while the others went in Eric's car, a greyish Ford Fiesta, which I always found quite nice looking.

I chose to go with Eric, Stan tagged along.

I said goodnight to Heidi by hugging her, I always hugged her whenever we parted ways, it was just how cute we both were with the other.

I squeezed Butters and Kenny's cheeks at once while smiling, saying "Night, my lovely gays!" earning a kiss on the cheek by Butters.

Kenny acted jealous, but he was really fine with it, that prankster.

* * *

The drive back home was fun, just like every time it was only me, Stan and Eric.

I, of course, was sitting in the back seat, since Stan had an obsession with being in the front seat.

One good thing about my sitting position was that I could be in the middle seat, undisturbed, and the music was louder, since I had the speakers right behind me.

We blasted Queen music for the whole time it took for us to get to Stan's house, singing as loudly as we could, especially when Bohemian Rhapsody came about.

We had been obsessed with their music after watching the film regarding the band, and I had to admit that it was really fun.

When Stan left, I was the one to go sit next to Eric, which didn't fail to make me slightly nervous.

Being alone with him was, to say the least, scary, because I always feared I would kiss him or something.

As I sat, I closed the door behind me and asked, " Did I close it right?" like I always did, fearing I had left it open.

I must have used a suggestive tone, because Eric looked at me with widened eyes and turned off the music.

"Well, if you ask me like that, _Kyle_." He said, enhancing the word 'Kyle'.

An awkward silence followed. Damn, had I been so stupid to let my guard down?

"Kyle, are you flirting with me?" Eric asked, minutes later, finally bringing the silence to an end.

_Oh crap, I've been found out, _I thought, starting to panic inside. Eric knew I had a thing for him, of that I had always been certain, but he had never really expressed it verbally.

Except for that one time, years prior, when I'd confessed to having been attracted to him for the first day I knew him, before finding out he was with Heidi.

Other than that, the subject had been dropped for a while. I didn't know what to say or how to behave, had I been too obvious, I would have probably created a storm.

Especially with Heidi, who, had she known, wouldn't have hesitated to cut me out of her life so very quickly.

She had done it to people who had shown interest in her boyfriend and, although they weren't me, I was still anxious about it.

"No, I'm not, nor would I _ever._" I replied, trying to sound as natural as possible, despite being extremely nervous, at that point.

I wasn't looking at him, I could feel his stare on me, even if he was driving.

"Come on, I knew you liked me." He said in a way that, had he not been Heidi's boyfriend, could have driven me mad enough to plant a kiss on his lips. "You confessed it to me, years ago, remember? Man, you were so silly." He chortled, his eyes fixated on the road.

"I wasn't really into you, it was just that I found you... _aesthetically pleasing." _I stated, still very thankful for wearing all of that foundation on my face, as I could feel my cheeks burn.

"Heidi would be very upset about it, though. You know her, she's _really_ jealous when it comes to me." He responded, occasionally moving his eyes to look at me.

Apparently, my answer to his "Are you flirting with me?" had not been convincing enough.

Shit, he thought I had a crush on him or something, not that he was too wrong about it.

Still, I would have denied any romantic involvement on my part, to the death.

"You mean, she was upset when I told her about the past crush on you?" I asked, trying not to bite my nails.  
He shook his head.  
"I mean, if you liked me _now_. She'd be really, really upset." He repeated. Well, I was fucked then. I said nothing about it, instead I said that he was good looking, just like everyone else in the group was good looking.

"That I agree with you." He said, smiling.  
I had never met anyone who liked the way they looked that much before.  
It was a shock that he hadn't looked into his mini mirror yet since I had seen him hours prior.

I wasn't sure what had just happened meant, honestly.  
Was he trying to get me to tell him all about my feelings and my fatal attraction to him? Was he trying to tell me that he was OK with it?

He had not done anything provocative in that time, also.  
Probably because he was tired.

When we got to my house, I was sad I had to leave him, but, at the same time, I couldn't look him in the eyes, at all.  
Why did he always have to be so cryptic with things?  
One day he pushes my head down with his foot, the day after he's all like, "My girl would be upset if you liked me." acting all innocent and stuff.  
"Well, goodnight."I said, rushing to open the door and leave him in the car. I needed to go and sort out my thoughts about what we had just talked about.

He stopped me from leaving, though, as he wrapped me into a tight hug.  
That surprised me, because it wasn't a common Eric Cartman thing to hug me, especially that warmly.  
He was usually making fun of me or pushing me around, but honestly, that hug wasn't bad at all.  
Trying not to tremble from the anxiety, I hugged him back.  
I felt safe, protected... Like nothing could have broken that moment of bliss between us.  
I was out of my mind, that was obvious.  
How could I be thinking that about Heidi's boyfriend?  
"Night, my Kyle." He said, caressing my back a little before pulling away.  
I left a bit annoyed at the loss of body heat, but I couldn't really show it.  
I greeted him with a hand wave, saying "I'll kick your ass next time we go bowling." Then I went into my house and went straight upstairs, to my room.  
I was smiling uncontrollably.  
That bastard didn't have a coherent effect on me.  
First I wanted him to slap me or _punish_ me, then I wanted him to cuddle me in that way.  
A little voice in my head told me that I wasn't simply attracted to him, no.  
I was madly in love with him and that was dangerous.  
Also, he had basically told me that he was fine with it, so long as I kept my hands to myself and avoided telling Heidi about it.

But man, how hard it would have been to see Heidi on Saturday, after what I had just come to think regarding her lover.  
I didn't know how I could have kept it hidden for years.  
Probably because the feeling had grown with me.  
Eric wasn't my constant thought at first, no.  
I had been so silly not to leave the moment those feelings became rather serious.  
But I didn't want to let go of our amazing friendship, at the same time I couldn't get enough of Eric...  
I had to either find a way to get him out of my mind, to respect Heidi, or a way to resolve all that sexual tension he made me feel...  
I didn't know what Eric was hoping to achieve, behaving like that with me.  
He probably enjoyed the attention, it was fun to him to play me like that.  
The worst part about my confusion for him was that I couldn't tell anyone.  
Butters and Kenny? No way, they would have told Heidi right away.  
They had always been more friends with her and Eric than with me, given they enjoyed going on double dates, sometimes.  
Telling Stan could have been good, but I didn't know what to expect from him.  
It probably would have come out of his mouth, even inadvertently.  
So, no, I had to keep it a secret.  
That night, I fell asleep thinking of myself lying in Eric's arms, and I dreamed of us snuggling under the covers, Heidi not being in sight.  
Only sexual tendencies towards a person would have been much easier to tame rather than romantic ones.

* * *

Saturday nights could only mean one thing, an overdose of Eric.  
And Heidi, of course.  
She didn't have a curfew on Saturdays, so that meant we could all stay out till dawn.  
That night, we all chose to go hang out at Stan's, to test out his new Assassin's Creed videogame.  
We were all very excited about it, especially Kenny, who couldn't afford to buy his own.  
Stan's house was really close to mine, so I walked there and I found Eric and Heidi there already.  
I greeted Heidi with a wide smile.  
She excused herself to go to the toilet, thus leaving me alone in the doorway with Eric, as Stan was in the living room, setting up the game.  
The first thing Eric did, when he saw me, was wrap me into a half hug.  
"Did you miss me?" He breathed into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.  
What the hell.  
I was, once again, confused. Why had he done that?  
He had not said anything dirty, but his tone sure was.  
Had he been 100% innocent about it, he would have said it loudly.  
But he had to whisper it in my ear just like that. I could feel his hot breath on my skin and that was enough to make my pants... Change size.  
The power he had on me... It was just too much.  
"Yeah." I said, matter of factly.  
It was true.  
When Heidi came back, he quickly pulled away from me and went to hold her hand.  
"What did I miss?" asked a cheery Heidi.  
_Oh, nothing, just that your boyfriend just managed to turn me on. _

After the talk of the night before, I was very anxious that she would notice something was going on.  
Had they talked about it? After all, there should be no secrets in a couple, right?  
Especially if they've been together for years.  
"Nothing much." said Eric, interrupting my flow of paranoid thoughts. "We were just talking about how hyped we are for the game."  
He continued, his eyes fixated on me, precisely on my crotch area.  
He had obviously noticed what he had "created".  
He was enjoying every littlest bit of my embarrassment and sexual frustration.  
"Yeah so hyped that I need to pee!" I said, trying to mask the trembling of my voice.  
I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could and, once again, _fixed my problem. _

* * *

Upon leaving the bathroom, I almost got startled because Stan was standing right by the door, as if he had been waiting for me to come out.  
The look he was giving me... Was extremely suspicious.  
I had tried to muffle every sound I had produced, but if he had been there the whole time, he must have heard something.  
"What did you do that took you about fifteen minutes?" he asked, his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.  
"I took a dump, and a big one I must say." I said nonchalantly, as it was the first thing that came to mind.  
"Oh, gross, dude! No wonder you're all sweaty!" Stan exclaimed with a hint of laughter and disgust, pointing at a curl of my hair, which was, in fact, wet.  
That was his usual reaction to TMI.  
I took a mental sigh of relief, that had worked as an excuse.  
Had I said something else, it probably wouldn't have.  
How do you explain _sweating_ _randomly _otherwise?  
"Come on, we're all waiting for you to start the game." he said, gesturing for me to follow him to the living room.  
Everyone else was there, even Butters and Kenny, who were sitting next to each other on the couch, Kenny holding a controller.  
Heidi and Eric were also sitting on the couch, but Heidi was sitting on her boyfriend's lap and I could feel a hint of jealousy take over me.  
I wanted to be sitting on his lap, too, but I had to go and sit on the floor.  
"God what took you so long?" said Kenny in a slightly annoyed tone.  
"I'd say what _he took_." Stan responded while picking up his joystick from the TV cupboard. "Which is a massive shit."  
"Ew!" Butters and Heidi shouted in unison.  
Eric wouldn't stop looking at me, knowing that Stan's words were nothing but lies.  
I wondered what it felt like, to be aware of the fact that someone has just masturbated in a toilet while thinking of you.  
For the whole duration of the gameplay, I was rather absent.  
Everyone's eyes were glued to the screen, watching as Stan and Kenny destroyed murderous enemies, but I couldn't be less interested than that.  
I was too busy looking at Eric.  
His hair was perfect on that day and he looked utterly gorgeous.  
His brown eyes were even more beautiful while reflecting the screen and I was mesmerised.  
Plus, his shirt was slightly unbuttoned, revealing a bit of his chest... And his legs, which were so close to where I was sitting, I really wanted to lay on my head on them.  
I normally wouldn't have looked at him so bluntly, but I took advantage of his girlfriend's distraction to do so.  
After a while, his eyed shifted from the TV to me and I froze.  
Without hesitation, he put one of his legs over my shoulder.

Heidi was no longer on his lap, she was cuddled up to him.  
A bit shocked at the sudden contact, but nonetheless ecstatic, I put my head on his knee.

Hours later, when it was finally decided to stop playing the game, Eric  
found an excuse for the presence of his leg on me by kicking me away from him lightly.  
"Get off me, you stupid Jew!" he roared.  
Funny, _get off me _when he was the one to be on me in the first place.  
"Fuck you, you fatass!" I said wittily, while getting up from the floor.  
"Hey, both of you, drop it!" Heidi instructed, pointing her finger at us like a mother would do to her two fussy children, but with a hint of a smile.  
"Well, I'd say Assassin's Creed never fails to deliver expectations, right?" said Butters, smiling widely. He had played for a little while, too, against Heidi.  
"And I'd say such expectations weren't delivered for Kyle here, because now his _boyfriend_ will be too busy playing the game to give him attention!" Eric teased. The "boyfriend" was Stan, Eric was obsessed with the idea of the two of us together... Which was, to say the least, just as likely as me being heterosexual.  
It never would have happened, given Stan and I had always had that relationship you have with your siblings.  
We loved each other, yeah, but the idea of being a couple had never failed to disgust us both.  
We repelled each other, in a way.  
"Ew, no way!" Stan and I said in unison.  
"I would totally run away from him if he ever confessed to being in love with me!" Stan expressed, pretending to gag.  
"Aw, but why?" Eric replied, pouting a little. "I would totally keep the friendship going if, say, Kenny had a crush on me. I wouldn't care."  
Something inside me told me that what Eric had said was an indirect to me and our talk in the car.  
So, he would have been fine with me being in love with him... That was the confirmation.  
Merging this talk with the one from the night before gave me the impression that I could be open about my feelings for him, since he would have totally accepted it.  
That was a good thing, I could finally stop wearing that stupid foundation on my face. Well, at least when Heidi wasn't around.


	3. Sweet Dreams vs Reality

_Eric and I were sitting on his bed, in his room, while Heidi was taking a shower, as we were supposed to go to a party an hour later. _  
_He proceeded to lie down, his legs open wide, in a rather provocative position. _  
_He was wearing shorts, very short ones, so much that I could see his groin._  
_"You know, I'm not wearing anything underneath my pants." he said in a nonchalant manner. _  
_That made me swallow hard._  
_His lips were curled into a suggestive smile and his eyes were darkened, glued to me. _  
_"Oh, good to know..." I said, massaging the back of my neck nervously. _  
_It was clear he wasn't wearing them, even part of his balls could be visible to the naked eye and I was fighting with all of myself in order to avoid staring at that area. _  
_"Don't be so shy, Kyle... I know you want me, you've been holding a burning desire for me since day one..." He purred, spreading his legs even further, showing that he was "in the mood" as well. "I know you like it when I push you around, when I pin you down and block you from escaping my grasp... When I grab your ass... That turns you on, uh?" _  
_My heart was beating so fast that I could hear it in my ears. _  
_I was about to lose it, there was no way I could control myself in that moment. _  
_" That turns you on" was something he would say very often while pulling his "pranks" on me, to which I would respond with a dry "no", given it was in front of everyone. _  
_But now... It was only us. _  
_I nodded, slowly. There was no way I could hide the raging boner in my pants, anyway. _  
_"I had no doubts..." he whispered in the most enchanting way I had ever heard him speak. _  
_He slowly began to crawl on the bed, until he reached me. _  
_"Say we... Have some fun?" he suggested, his eyes locked to mine. _  
_He was biting his lips so exquisitely that I really wanted a taste of them._  
_His face was inches from mine, I could feel his breath on me, it smelled like coffee and I was starting to get inebriated._  
_Plus, I could smell that vanilla scent from the softener I was so much into... _  
_"But wait... What about Heidi?" I muttered, worried that she would walk into the room at any given minute. _  
_"What she doesn't know won't kill her." Eric murmured in the sexiest way ever. _  
_He was the true definition of sex on legs. Sex everywhere, to be exact. _  
_Without a warning, he pressed his lips on mine and began kissing me. _  
_It was slow and sweet at first, not like I had imagined it to be._  
_I immediately let go of all my worries and dived into the kiss as well. _  
_It felt so good... _  
_I couldn't get enough of those lips and I didn't want it to end. _  
_It didn't take long before we stumbled into a full on make out session and the kiss became more desperate, filled with want and lust. _  
_It was wetter than before, as his tongue sweetly caressed mine. _  
_I couldn't help moaning softly and that had an effect on him. _  
_He got more aggressive, taking a hold of my shirt and pulling me even closer to him, as much as it was physically possible. _  
_He was unbuttoning it, ready to expose my chest to him. _  
_But then, just as he was about to remove it, something hit me. _  
_I was doing this to Heidi, my best friend. _  
_I was betraying her. Fuck I was about to get down and dirty with her boyfriend, what kind of a friend does that? _  
_I abruptly pulled away from Eric. _  
_That was wrong, no matter how badly I wanted him, but Heidi was more important than that. _

* * *

I woke up drenched in sweat.  
I had just had the same recurring dream I had been having for months, me and Eric doing stuff but me stopping him, driven by guilt for Heidi.  
Hell. I couldn't even get into Eric's pants in my _dreams_, for goodness sake.  
I was too scared to hurt Heidi even when I wasn't really making out with her boyfriend.  
That situation was starting to become unbearable, me wanting someone so close to my best friend... I had to do something about it.  
Confessing it to Eric... Could have been a good thing, probably - I surely would have been set free from that heavy blackbird that had caged into my gut.  
But I had to be very careful.  
I loved Eric, but I also knew him well.  
He could be very persuasive and could have used the whole "I'd be ok with it" thing to get me to come clean about it and report it to Heidi.  
But something in me told me he would have never done something like that to me, to hurt both me and Heidi.  
I needed help from someone who could analyze the situation for me and give me advice about it.  
Suddenly, an idea hit me.  
I could say I had doubts about someone, but that it wasn't Eric.  
So, the day after, that Monday at lunch, I proceeded to tell them just that.  
We were all sitting at our table outside in the school gardens, we were pretty calm for a Monday.  
I was a bit nervous about it, especially because I knew that, given our recent talk and events Eric wouldn't have believed the shit I was about to say.  
"So, guys.. I need advice on something." I said, getting everyone's attention in the process.  
"Oh, really? We're all ears!" said Eric, looking curious.  
"Oh God, what did you do this time?" Heidi asked, rolling her eyes, as every time I would ask for advice it was usually about something I had done, like cheating on a test or something.  
"It's probably about his obsession with butts." Stan shrugged.  
"Ah yeah, bro! I think it regards the magnet we bought him!" Butters exclaimed, referencing to a magnet in the shape of Florida, with butt-naked men drawn on top.  
Kenny burst into a giggle, while I glared at them.  
"No, it's about something serious. You know Craig? We've been hanging out quite often lately, for Biology class and well... I feel very happy when I'm around him. Like... A lot. And I even had a dream the other day... I was about to do stuff with him but then I stopped because I felt guilty for Tweek, his boyfriend. " I said, avoiding their gazes. I wondered if they knew I was lying and actually talking about someone among our group.  
Heidi was shaking her head, Kenny face palmed, while Eric was visibly suppressing a laugh.  
Butters sighed in annoyance and Stan went with a "here we go again" look.  
"God, man, you always have to have a crush on someone, you're incredible!" Stan said with a grunt. "I don't think you like him, I think you like the _idea_ of him." he continued.  
"He has a boyfriend, Kyle." Heidi scolded. "He is no way _ever _going to fancy you back, so stop thinking about him. You're probably just curious about him because he's being very friendly, is all."  
"Personally," Kenny chimed in, getting into the debate. "I think you can feel a great amount of happiness with friends, sometimes. You're just confusing it with attraction.  
The dream proves that you wouldn't hate it if he kissed you, but the idea of Tweek discourages you. You just enjoy the attention Craig gives you during Biology. "  
That was a good point.  
Eric made me so happy and, well, attracted to him because he gave me attention... That could work. But it wasn't really a friendly attention...  
No way I was in love with him, then... It was just great friendship with a hint of obsession and blind obedience to his commands.

It sounded a bit weird, but then again they didn't know of my obsessive trait.  
Eric was still staring at me, his eyes curiously scanning my face to see if he could find hint of lies, probably.  
It was like I could read his mind, he was entertained at the fact that he knew that it was him I had just talked about.  
"Oh, Kyle. You only want people you can't have." He sighed.  
True, if only the world had given me someone to love who didn't have a significant other or a liking for the opposite sex...

What was hard to do, after that, was acting like I was about to swoon every time Craig was around, when, really, I didn't feel a thing for him.

I had to pretend he was Eric, basically, but it was a bit hard.  
Craig Tucker was a skinny boy, his hair dark, almost darker than Stan's and his voice was also... Too nasal.  
He just couldn't compete with Eric, in no way.  
I hated to see my friends go all "wink wink, nudge nudge" every time they saw us together.  
Thankfully, it didn't happen too often.

* * *

Convinced that I had to forget about him, we all decided to go to a gay club that weekend.  
They wanted me to be in a relationship too, given I was the only one there who didn't have a loved one.  
Well, Stan's relationship with Wendy didn't really count, but he was convinced it did.  
I wasn't too thrilled at the idea of making out with a random dude in a club, not when my thoughts were only _Eric, Eric, Eric._  
It could have been a great way to get him out of my mind, though.  
It wasn't going to be an easy task, though.  
Not when Eric was going there wearing _makeup_.  
We were getting ready at his house and I was sitting on his bed, in the same spot where shit went down in my dreams...  
But everyone else was in the room.  
Kenny and Butters were helping each other with their hair - working with Kenny's locks wasn't exactly a walk in the park - while Stan was desperately trying to multitask both texting Wendy and deciding what to wear.  
He had brought like three outfits because he didn't know what to choose.  
Lately, everything he saw looked bad to him, either too childish or too boring.  
I wasn't really giving him much attention, though, because once again I was focused on Eric.  
Heidi was applying lipstick to his lips to complete his full face of makeup.  
_Oh god_, he was extremely attractive in that moment.  
He had dark eyeshadow on, green eyeliner on his waterline and fake lashes.  
His lips were purplish and so full, I envied Heidi so much in that moment.  
She had ridden her boyfriend of toxic masculinity and I wondered just how attracted to him she was while admiring her creation.  
My dreams were going to go on a whole new level after seeing him like that.  
Heidi was wearing the same makeup, as she thought it was the best way not to create a mess after a few kisses.  
Not to mention what clothes Eric was in, a black, see through shirt and leather pants.  
Heidi was letting him go to a _gay ba_r in that outfit? It was like bait for horny guys.  
Or _me_.  
"You know, I'm not wearing any underwear underneath those pants."  
I couldn't believe he had just said that.  
I froze. I had predicted those words.  
Thankful that I was wearing makeup, too - just foundation and mascara, to spice it up a bit - I blushed like I had never done before.  
It was so hot that I was starting to sweat.  
What was the point of saying that out loud in front of everyone? Probably, to turn Heidi on or something.  
In fact, she blushed, too and it could be visible from her neck.  
"_Eric!" _she squealed, before slapping his arm. "That's TMI!"  
"We're all family here!" he responded, shrugging his shoulders. "I doubt anyone would mind."  
That bastard just couldn't help himself.  
I was still shocked at my prediction.  
Thank god no one noticed my reaction.

* * *

Arrived at this club, with the help of fake IDs, the first thing that everyone said was "Let's find a good match for Kyle!"  
There were so many guys there, it was incredible.  
Most of them were grinding on each other, making out or dancing around.  
The last thing I wanted was to "find a good match", honestly.  
"Come on, get out there!" Eric said while pushing me towards the center of the dance floor. "This is your way to forget about Craig, Stan and everyone else! Go, I doubt a guy will say no!"  
Ugh, I wanted to dance with my friends, especially with Eric, I didn't want to miss out on all the fun.  
But I had to do it, Eric had ordered it.  
And I did everything that he told me to do, no matter what it was.  
So, I did. I left them in their circle and mingled in the crowd.  
It was for the best, maybe I would have met a guy better than my obsession, who would have totally made me forget about him.  
All of a sudden, I felt someone grab my waist. I turned around to see who it was, a tall guy with really dark hair.  
He must have been around thirty.  
He was _ugly. _Like, the ugliest guy I had ever seen.  
But, hey, he was interested in me, so I thought I'd give him a shot.  
It didn't take long before we were dancing in a rather sensual way.  
It was like my body repelled him, but all I could do was let him touch me.  
He was very into me, I could tell, rubbing his crotch all over my legs.  
I felt a bit violated. I wanted Eric to rescue me and be the one to dance with me that way.  
Before I knew it the guy was kissing me quite desperately.  
I was disgusted, honestly, because I already had his tongue down my throat before even touching his lips.  
I opened my eyes to see what my friends were doing, they were all looking at me. I didn't know if they were happy, because they looked at bit... Distressed.  
They were glaring at us.  
It was making me a bit uncomfortable, but I didn't push the guy away.  
I closed my eyes again and I imagined that who I was kissing was the object of my desires.  
That worked, it made me feel a bit better and the kiss was definitely more pleasant, now.  
I got into it a bit more, thinking back to my dream, mixing it with Eric's appearance for the night...  
My pants tightened in no time, but I didn't have to hide it, luckily.  
I was free to express all my excitement about it.  
I was enjoying it so much that I couldn't hear anything, not even the extra loud music.  
Without even realizing it, I moaned, loudly.  
"Oh, Eric!"  
Then the guy pulled away from me, roughly.  
_Shit_.


	4. My Little Kyle

_**Warning, this chapter is a bit NSFW**_

Oh shit, I had just moaned Eric's name out loud.  
The music was blasting through the room, so I hoped that no one had heard it in the vicinity.  
My friends were dancing really close to me, even if it didn't look like it, so I was really anxious.  
The guy didn't seem too thrilled about it either, as he had pushed me away and he looked a bit disgusted.  
"Who is Eric? Is he your boyfriend?" he shouted in my ear, looking as terrified as ever. "Is he the one glaring at me? Is he going to hit me?"  
He pointed at Stan, who looked like he was going to attack him at any given moment.  
That made me laugh a little. "Oh, no, just a friend. I don't have a boyfriend... Eric is no one..."  
"Look, dude... I don't want trouble, OK? I think I'm leaving..."  
Before I could process what was going on, he was already running away, disappearing through the sweaty bodies on the dance floor.  
That had been such a miserable attempt at trying to forget about Eric, given I had just screamed his name while making out with that spineless dude.  
Seriously, that guy was a douchebag, even more than Clyde.  
Now, as I stood there, looking stupid, I noticed all my friends didn't look so happy.

I walked up to them, sweating from both the nervousness and dancing.  
They were all pretty shaken by my action.  
"I think it's time we go." said Heidi. "We'll talk about this in the car."  
Her tone disclosed a hint of reprimand.  
I swallowed, hard, fearing that she would tell me that she had, indeed, heard me moaning her boyfriend's name.  
Making our way out of the club, I noticed that the floor was incredibly sticky. Empty plastic cups were scattered all around, some of the liquid dripping out of them.  
It was annoying, because the stickiness was slowing me down.  
Eric took my arm and violently pushed me outside, not caring that, doing so, I had almost lost a shoe.  
That action was rather scary and he had only done it once, to Heidi, to drag her away from a creepy guy who was flirting with her.  
Once inside Heidi's car, I had three pairs of eyes fixated on me - they belonged to Eric, Heidi and Stan- and silence had fallen, making me quite uncomfortable.  
"So... I take it you guys saw me kissing him?" I said, looking outside of the window.  
"Yeah! And we're all rather shocked that you did!" said Heidi in her protective, motherly tone.

I took a sigh of relief, as the incident had not been mentioned.  
"But you guys said I should _mix in with the crowd _and find _a good match_." I said defensively.  
"But we meant dance with them, get to know them... Not straight up smooch them." said Stan.

Oh hell. I had totally misunderstood the whole thing.  
I had disappointed them completely, then.  
I really hated when that happened, whenever I would fail to do what they told me to.  
There was this weird thing in our friendship that consisted in me giving them - especially Eric and Heidi - a parent role, despite them being my age.  
It had to be traced back to my family situation.  
I loved my parents and my brother, but it wasn't really easy to talk to them, sometimes.  
For instance, they didn't know of my homosexuality and they were never really authoritative.  
So, I would throw all of my frustrations regarding them in my friendships.  
And my friends were more than Ok with it.  
In fact, one of our inside jokes was that I was Heidi and Eric's adopted son.  
"We're a bit taken aback that you seem so calm about it. I mean you made out with some random dude, I wonder if he had an illness or something." Eric spoke in a disgusted tone.  
"Seriously guys, that was just kissing. And it didn't even last long." I said, although I was feeling a bit guilty.  
"We were all a bit emotional, also," Heidi added "We were like 'our baby Kyle kissed someone! Give him a week and he will be too busy with his boyfriend to spend time with us!'"  
Heidi was mimicking crying and I felt really, really loved.  
I liked when people called me pet names, it made me feel protected and shielded from the bad people in the world.  
I smiled widely and I felt my cheeks burn with undying love.  
"You know, the guy wouldn't shut up about how scared he was that you guys would beat him up or something.  
He said you're all very protective." I said. The last part was a lie, but I really wanted to see their reaction to it.  
"Oh, we're not..." Heidi murmured, shyly, but I knew she was bluffing.  
Their protectiveness was obvious.  
"Well, I'd say we are, and a lot." Eric corrected her. "I tell you, I wish I had beaten the shit out of that guy for how he was grabbing you, his filthy hands all over you... I really wanted to cut them off."  
Was I sensing a bit of jealousy there?  
And, also, there it was, the boner.  
But I didn't have to hide it, I could have just blamed it on my make out session with random dude.  
I had the best friends in the world, period, this was only the confirmation.  
"You should have seen Kenny." Heidi added with a hint of a laughter. "He was pissed at that guy. Oh, Kyle. What should we do with you?"  
That was the rhetorical question they asked me so often.  
I found it really cute.  
k  
A while later, we found ourselves at a bar which was open 24/7. It was a bit far from South Park, but it was the only place we could hang out at that hour.  
We got out of the car, meeting Kenny and Butters once again.  
As anticipated, they had also been stricken by protectiveness towards me.  
Eric was the first to notice my situation.  
"Oh, wow, I see your body has reacted to all that steamy action, you disgusting bastard. " he said, smirking.  
_Or you being jealous of that guy._  
"Ah, yeah... It happens, right?" by then, I was blushing furiously.  
Some of the makeup had gone from my face, so it could be noticed.  
But I wasn't worried.  
"You dirty little shit. Go take care of it, then come back here."  
I obliged and went into the toilet.  
I was a bit ashamed at the fact that everyone knew what was going on, but I knew how to handle it.  
It had become a habit, at that point.  
I sat on the toilet and, slowly, I began to stroke myself.  
Keeping my eyes closed, I imagined _someone else_ was touching me.  
Eric's hand, wrapped around my member, moving faster by the second.  
I imagined his big, calloused fingers taking a hold of me, bringing me closer to heaven with each stroke.  
To speed up the process, I thought back of that time he had whispered into my ear the words "Did you miss me?".  
In my imagination, he was repeating it again and again, in ways that were enough to drive me crazy.  
"Yeah, yeah I missed you, _daddy_." I said under my breath.  
Keeping myself from screaming was a hard task, when all I wanted to do was moan Eric's name, ask him to go faster, plead him not to stop.  
But then, I came.  
Thankfully, I didn't spill any of my cum on my clothes - that would have been rather embarrassing.  
When I came back to reality, I felt extremely guilty for Heidi.  
Poor girl, if she had known the real source behind my erection...  
And what I had just thought of...  
No, I couldn't let myself do that, not anymore.  
It was bad for Heidi, bad for me and all of us.  
But I couldn't control what Eric made me feel, what he meant to me.  
The thought of spending some time apart from them had never really crossed my mind.  
It would have caused me pain, I would have been without my people, my real family and I didn't really feel like losing all that we had created in years.  
After wiping my hands, I put my head in them.  
"Kyle, you have to stop. You might ruin everything." I whispered to myself.  
Then, a knock came at the door.  
It startled me enough to get my pants back on as fast as I could.  
When I left the stall, I was faced with none other than Eric himself.  
I wondered how long he had been there... If that had been long enough to hear me say _I_ _missed you, daddy._  
The level of embarrassment I was feeling in that moment was a lot over 9000.  
He greeted me with a chuckle. "I was wondering if you were still alive, in here."  
"Um... I'm totally fine." I said quietly.  
"Kyle, Kyle, Kyle... My little Kyle.  
Jacking off in a public restroom..." He said, shaking his head, and moving closer to me.  
Eye contact was made and I was beginning to sweat and get heated.  
I was too spent from my recent orgasm to give it much thought, though.  
"So this is your orgasm face..." Eric commented. "Hm, it looks oddly familiar." He began to scratch his chin.  
"I can't quite put my finger on when I'd seen it before..."  
That was fake, I could have seen it miles away.  
He knew when that had happened.  
He shrugged his shoulders, though.  
"Eh, I guess you have that expression, sometimes."  
My ears were a bit impaired by the loud music I'd been exposed to, but I could still hear the thumping of my heart.  
"You really scared me out there...I didn't think you'd look like that while kissing someone... " He said, changing the subject.  
He walked even closer to me, so that our faces were inches apart.  
I had to use all the power in me to prevent myself from kissing him right then and there.  
He was still wearing his makeup and his lips were still purple - they had survived minutes of kissing his lover's - and he was just as attractive as he had been at the beginning of the night.  
Or more than that, there I say, with his hair all messy and damp.  
"Making out with a random dude, I never thought you would do this to me... You want me to have a heart attack, don't you?"  
He cooed. I loved when he spoke to me like that, he made me feel like he was in charge, like he was my master.  
That's what I wanted him to be, in my deepest fantasies, which would always end before us going all the way.  
The one who got scared if someone got sexual with me...  
Thank God I had just come, or I would have had yet another boner.  
I suddenly felt his hand on my cheek, his thumb stroking it lightly.  
I held my breath because it was shaky and I didn't want him to notice.  
"One day, you will see who the bad guys are and who the good guys are.  
That one was a bad guy, who tried to get you away from me."  
I had the impulse to grab the hand on my cheek and squeeze it, but I didn't listen to it.  
I couldn't say anything, for my brain was too fuzzy.  
I felt incredibly happy, being like that with him, feeling him close to me...  
His words had created yet another confusion in my head.  
It was like he felt I was his, that I couldn't be with anyone.  
I couldn't even be with him, but I was at his mercy.  
Like he was the puppeteer and I was the puppet, and he was in control of my strings.  
Also, was he going to kiss me or something?  
He leaned in, my heart was exploding from my chest...  
I was freaking out internally.  
"_What about Heidi?"_ My brain kept repeating.  
Something told me to push him away, but I didn't really want him to stop.  
His lips didn't meet mine, though, as they stopped on my ear.  
He then whispered, "And wash your hands before leaving this place."

* * *

When we went back to where everyone else was seated, I couldn't bring myself to look at Heidi.  
Not only for thinking about her boyfriend while touching myself, but also for our almost kiss, or whatever that was between me and Eric.  
Eric, on the other hand, was pretty nonchalant and he went to sit next to Heidi, exchanging a quick kiss with her before doing so.  
I wondered how he could do that, after making me feel like that, not ten minutes before.  
Everyone submerged me with questions about the kiss, the guy, why I had chosen him, blah, blah, blah...  
I gave them honest answers, because I thought they had wanted me to do that and, also, to forget about someone, which they thought was Craig.  
I told them I didn't really like the kiss at first, since the guy had basically raped my throat with his tongue, but then it had turned out Ok, mostly.  
The night ended with everyone still worried about me, shocked at the fact that I wasn't miserable for letting a stranger so close to me.  
Or rather, someone they didn't approve of.

* * *

Upon going to bed that night, I couldn't stop thinking about Eric's words.  
Him being so possessive, protective and basically everything I wanted him to be...  
And just how much power he had on me.  
I wondered what went through his head whenever he did his tricks, the somehow sadistic pleasure he felt in making me feel so attracted to him but knowing that, if I had given in to temptation, I would have ruined my most important friendship.  
I fell asleep quite happy though, with the knowledge that they had been worried about me, which meant they cared about me in a way that was too hard to describe with simple words.


	5. Fear Of Losing People

Something that can be translated as a toxic trait of my personality was my constant fear of losing those I loved.  
One particular time, I had been terrified of it.  
**_A year prior_**

It was around 10 pm, I was casually lying on my bed, doing my homework when my phone buzzed.  
It was probably someone in the group chat, who had most likely sent a meme.  
I lazily picked my phone up from the bedside table and checked, hoping to get temporary relief from my hard studying.  
To my surprise, it wasn't a WhatsApp notification, it was an instagram one, coming from an account I didn't know.  
It was a message request from a certain "pirateCL123".  
_Weird_, I thought, _who could that be?_  
Curiosity took over me as I unlocked my phone and clicked on the notification.  
The message read :  
_"Hi, Kyle. We haven't talked in a while, have we? I noticed you've been seeing my stories for a while, with another account._  
_I just want to say sorry for how things went down._  
_-Clyde"_  
Oh, no. That was true, I had been seeing Clyde's Instagram stories for a while after he had blocked me - around three months before - for mere curiosity and, also, because Clyde had been a big part of my life, even if he had let me down many times.  
I had a hard time moving on from past relationships, and, besides, Clyde and I had not had closure.  
He had been a dick to me, to all of us, sure, but he was still a person.  
I replied almost right away.  
_"Clyde, yes, I've been seeing your stories. I don't really miss you but I guess I still wondered how you were._  
_It was probably wrong of me, since we haven't really spoken in years... But I feel we didn't have closure._  
_I'm sorry, too."_  
Not two minutes later I received his response.  
_"It's perfectly normal that you wondered about me, I've been wondering about you._  
_But there are just too many faults in our friendship that we can't fix._  
_Know that I'll never forget you, you were a big part of my life and I will forever hold you dear._  
_We had good times, just like bad times and it's time to let each other go."_  
Seeing those words on my phone screen made me a little emotional.  
It wasn't hard for me to cry, but I was literally sobbing.  
My vision was a bit blurry from the tears that had filled my eyes, but I was still able to type one last message to him.  
_"What you said is true. Some things happened and it's just impossible for me to forgive you for it. But I won't forget you, either._  
_Goodbye, Clyde."_

That had been a bit tough, but I was finally sure that I would move on from him and that I would appreciate the friendships that had been made because of him.  
The first thing I thought of doing, right after blocking him, was telling everyone in the group about it.  
So, I did. I told them I had just had an emotional talk with Clyde and I that I had finally got closure and was happy to move past it.  
The first person to reply was Heidi and her message showed her disapproval.  
_"What? Are you shitting me? After everything he did to you... You talked to him? You should have just ignored him! He's just trying to get back into your life, our lives, and ruin them once again!"_  
Was what she wrote. I responded by saying it had been just a message to end things properly, not as a way to rekindle our lost friendship, but she wasn't having any of it.  
She was really disappointed, and so was everyone else.  
Their reactions were tame, though.  
What I was really starting to fear, at that point, was what Eric would have said.  
I checked and saw that the message had not been delivered to him just yet, since he was at work.  
I panicked a little, breathing heavily.  
I had to wait four hours for Eric to come home and see what I had done.  
Even Kenny joked about it in the group. "Wait until Eric gets home!" he said, including the tongue out emoji at the end.  
That felt a lot like when the mother and the siblings tell a naughty kid "wait until dad gets home!"  
I ended up falling asleep, I felt it would be less agonizing than waiting up.  
Then a buzzing woke me up, it was around 2:30 am.  
I went straight to the group chat, without even touching the notification bubble.  
There, I found a two-minute long voice message from Eric.  
I took a breath, then I hit the play button.  
He was speaking in an undertone, probably not to wake his mom up, given the time.  
"Kyle, I've just got home from work and Heidi has just told me about what you did. I honestly think you acted like a dead chicken and a stupid little child because Clyde is a no go, he hurt you, he hurt us and talking to him describes you as nothing but a pathetic bitch.  
If I had a bit of respect for you before, now consider it gone. Goodnight." he said.  
I could perceive a hint of anger even if he was whispering.  
I sent a few texts, saying that I was sorry, that I didn't think it would mean losing my dignity or stuff like that, because all I wanted was closure and, besides, there was no way to communicate with him, since we had blocked each other everywhere.  
Of course, the messages didn't get delivered.  
So, I had to wait until the next day at school to know his response to it.  
It took me a while to fall back asleep, as I was fairly anxious.  
An angry Eric is not someone you want to face.

* * *

The day after, as expected, my friends greeted me with a cold and disappointed expression.  
Eric didn't come in until 9 am, and I could cut the tension with a knife when he sat next to me, in our classroom.  
I felt like a guilty puppy who had just eaten his owner's shoe and he knew he would be punished for it, in a matter of minutes.  
He waited until lunch time to talk to me, purposely increasing my anxiety and nervousness.  
In the cafeteria, we went to sit at a table, just the two of us, away from our friends, who were still able to see us in the distance.  
"Well," he began, finally dropping the silence treatment. "You disappointed me a lot last night, Kyle. I want you to know that, if you do it again, you won't be able to communicate with me, either. I am appalled if I think that you still hold on to _Clyde _who used you and talked shit about you for years when you have us, me, Kenny and Butters, my girl and Stan... After all the affection we give you, what we do for you... You still want that friendship? It's clear to me you don't GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE ADVICE I GIVE YOU! "  
He yelled the last part in my face.  
I felt really guilty and stupid in that moment, but also very embarrassed, as the whole population of the cafeteria turned their heads to look at us.  
"Eric, that's not true! I value your opinion, I swear! If I hadn't cared, I would still be friends with him, don't you think? I just replied to his text to finally put an end to it!" I said, quietly, not daring to look back in those infuriated eyes.  
"Funny you should say this, BECAUSE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID! You didn't care, you responded. You should have just blocked his ass. I'm warning you, I am dead serious, I'm not just telling you this to 'punish you' or whatever, I really think these things. You completely disgusted me and if that's how you put it, you're gonna lose me. Do you understand? "  
His usually warm voice that would lull me to sleep sometimes was really scary in that moment.  
The words he had used were even worse.  
I wasn't going to lose him, ever, so I was never going to respond to Clyde ever again, if he'd tried to contact me once more.  
I was shaking so much that I couldn't speak properly and all I wanted to do was cry my eyes out.  
How could I risk losing _Eric _over a few simple messages?  
That would have been too awful and I couldn't let myself do that, I cared about him too much. I would have been lost, petrified...  
I really needed to change and listen to him a bit more and never go against his advice again.  
I hadn't realised that I was silently crying until I felt a tear fall down to my neck.

"Good, I see I got the message across. You better hope that I never find out that you've been texting Clyde, because if that happens, I wouldn't want to be you."  
Eric knew my weak spots, meaning he knew what would be enough for me to do what he wanted me to. Threatening me to leave me, giving me an ultimatum, he was sure it would work.  
And it _did_.  
A scolding from him would stay in anyone's head, and it was a good way to get a person to change and, well, _stay in line._  
If you tried to go against what Eric wanted for you, there would be terrible consequences.  
That's how things were with us.  
Eric was a bit distant from me for the next few days, which was painful.  
I would spend my nights in fear of him abandoning me, the whole group following suit, clutching to my pillow for comfort. The fact that it smelled like Eric, helped.  
Not being close to him was unbearable, and I thought that it would be impossible to actually live without him forever.  
It was the perfect punishment for what I had done, hands down.

After things went back to normal, I promised myself I would never feel that pain anymore.  
**_Present day_**  
That time had been awful and had only increased my fear of losing people.  
That's why, on that Saturday morning after kissing the random guy, I couldn't do anything other than stare at the ceiling, my brain filled with paranoias.  
I was scared that they had all somehow figured out about my obsession with Eric and that I would lose them all together. It was a sixth sense telling me that, not a particular event.  
It just seemed impossible to me that no one had heard me moaning Eric's name out loud in the club.  
I was afraid they had just brushed it off, acted like nothing had happened in fear of ruining the night.

I rolled around in bed, now facing the picture of us on my bedside table, which depicted one of the greatest moments in our friendship - our first vacation together, in my parents' holiday home in Aspen.

I feared that a moment like that wouldn't have happened anymore, if they had secretly planned to leave me.

I smiled, slapping my own head for being so silly, when I saw that Butters had sent a picture of us from the night before, at the club, in the HEIERKYSTABUKE chat.

I opened it and replied with a trail of heart eyes emojis. The only alarming thing about the picture was that I was looking at Eric in a rather "mesmerized" stare, but it was a blink and you miss it kind of thing.

I was just so stupid sometimes.

The next message in the chat came from Kenny, who had sent a link to an airline.

He replied to it saying, "Guys! Butters and I were thinking... that Hawaii would be a great destination to travel to all together as a way to celebrate graduation! Butters' uncle is willing to give us three rooms from his hotel at a reasonable price in Honolulu if we go in early June.

Also, if you check here, you can see just how low the prices for the flights from Denver airport are. It would be so cool and I think we would have a great time there!"

A vacation together? Hell, yes! Spending all our time together, making new fond memories in each other's company... It was really amazing. I loved living with them like a real family.

Also, we had never been to Butters' homeland before, except Kenny.

Needless to say, a week later, we had already booked our flights and reserved our rooms and we couldn't be more excited.

It was the only topic of our conversations, even in school, instead of paying attention to Mr Garrison's extremely boring classes.

We knew we still had to wait over two months before departing, which meant finals and graduation were included in this time gap.

But we were far more excited for our upcoming adventure, nonetheless.

In the meantime, my obsession with Eric was becoming more and more a problem.

I knew that I could be free to show it around Eric - or anyone but Heidi- but I was still very, very scared that it would play a part in a painful rupture.

I had many sleepless nights, figuring out how to handle what was happening.

I was certainly not going to steal him from Heidi, but I wondered what I would do if Eric had tried to make a move on me.

Part of me told me I would have pushed him away, but I probably would have listened to my lustful desire and ignored my common sense completely.

I _had_ to tell Eric, I knew that well. But how could I tell him without Heidi being around? And also, how could I face her after that?

The process took a lot of thinking. I definitely had to find a moment to tell him, and it had to be the two of us only.

I couldn't stand lying to him, keeping secrets from him... it just wasn't right.

Again, he knew about it for sure, but I felt it should be appropriate to confess my feelings for him - after all, he had said it himself; he would have been OK with it.

But I had to figure out whether he was trying to get me to do it in order to later expose me with his girlfriend - as he was probably falling for me in some kind of way, given he was always doing those things to me, like asking me if I was turned on by his actions- or if he really would have been cool with me having feelings for him.

I had to take stock of the situation, because I couldn't stand holding myself back anymore, always finding ways to conceal my attraction to him.

But the fear of losing people was so strong, so the other part of me told me to stay quiet.

Maybe I could tell someone else about it... I had already excluded Stan from the list but I figured he could be trusted, after all we were really close friends, so much that even our parents went out together, sometimes.


	6. Daddy Issues And Lies

_**Warning, NSFW. This chapter contains boy x boy spanking.**_

One thing that Eric's reaction and consequential scolding to my conversation with Clyde brought was yet another recurring dream. The last time I had it, it was a bit different, though, because it contained a reference to me kissing the random guy in the club.

_I was, once again, sitting on Eric's bed, next to him. He wasn't speaking to me, or even looking at me, he was holding a wooden hairbrush in his hand, looking straight ahead._

_Minutes passed as I nervously shook my leg, knowing what was coming._

_Eric's finger slowly caressed the back of the brush, which made me gulp and I felt a shiver move down my spine._

_After what felt like an eternity, he spoke. "Over my lap." he instructed, tapping his knees._

_I nodded, silently, then I proceeded to do as he had requested without arguing._

_I was trembling a bit and he noticed. _

_"Kyle, try to relax. Otherwise, it's just going to hurt more." He said in a calm, yet stern, voice._

_So I did, it was easy since I was over his knee and the warmth of his legs had managed to calm me down a little._

_I took a few deep breaths and nodded again._

_I felt his big hand slowly remove my pants and underwear, exposing my bottom._

_I closed my eyes, waiting for the first blow. It was always the most painful, especially if it was done without a warm up first and directly with a wooden hairbrush._

_"Why am I doing this?" he asked dryly. _  
_"Because I spoke to Clyde and kissed a random person in a club. This was not only bad for me, but also for all of you." I said quietly. _  
_I felt the hairbrush caress my buttcheeks lightly and my heart began to pound loudly. _  
_"Good. Just know that I'm doing this for your own wellbeing." _  
_And then, the first smack came. _  
_I flinched a little, but I didn't scream or cry. _  
_As he kept spanking me, it became hard to keep myself from whimpering._  
_"I can't believe" Spank. "You would." Spank. "Do these things." Spank "When you know." Spank. "You'll let us down!" _  
_"Ow, I'm sorry!" I said, as my backside was beginning to burn. _  
_I kicked my legs a little, trying to avoid the next smack, but I didn't really put much effort into it because I was actually liking it._  
_There was an exquisite kick to it, the sting that came from jt made me feel heated and deeply aroused. _  
_And he knew because he felt my growing erection against his thigh._  
_He put one leg on mine to keep them still. _  
_"You know this will only get worse if you get this fussy." He reprimanded, hitting my left cheek hard with the hairbrush when he said the last word. _  
_"Oh, yes, sir.. Ow!" I whined. _  
_He sped up his pace and the blows became harder. _  
_I accompanied each one with a throaty moan. _  
_I grinded against his thigh as he continued to hit me, letting him know that I wanted him to continue. _  
_"You've been a horrible friend to us!" He roared as he hit my right cheek four times in a row. _  
_He then hit me in between both cheeks, on a point really close to my hole and that's when I lost it. _  
_I came all over him, without even bothering to avoid screaming loudly as I did so. _  
_"Well, I see you've learned your lesson, Kyle." Eric said affectionately, tapping my backside lightly_.

* * *

It goes without saying, one day after having that dream, it was hard for me to even look my friends in the face, upon seeing them at school.  
I was terribly scared whenever I was around them, fearing that they would somehow be able to read my mind and find out what I'd been dreaming of.  
I just couldn't control myself when it came to him. My feelings, my tendencies, my obsession with being dominated and punished...  
I felt horrible for what I was doing to Heidi, even if part of me told me that not actually doing the things I was dreaming of with her boyfriend wasn't really an act of betrayal.  
I walked into the classroom and my heart pounded upon seeing them together, kissing and laughing about the littlest thing. My heart broke because they were so happy and I couldn't ruin something so beautiful.  
Yet, I couldn't help reacting at the sight of Eric's hands and thinking where they had been in the dream, holding that wooden torturous device before bringing it down on me...  
I sat at my desk, sighing heavily, thinking that I had reached the boiling point.  
I had an emotional turmoil going on inside me and I had to do something about it. I wished I didn't care about Heidi, that she was just an outlet to get to Eric, but I loved her so much.  
I felt tears streaming down my eyes, so I tried to look away in the distance, because I didn't want anyone to notice, especially my deskmates.  
But they were the people who knew me better than I knew myself, so, of course, they saw that something was wrong.  
"Kyle... Are you crying?" asked Heidi with worry in her voice.  
I turned around to look at her and then broke into a sob.  
"Aw, honey, no, don't cry! Let us know what's wrong, you know you can tell us anything." she said in a soothing voice, while amicably caressing my shoulder for comfort.  
My outburst was starting to gain attention from the rest of the class.  
Kenny did the same as Heidi and told me that whatever it was, it would have turned out ok, in the end.  
"Let's go outside, fellers." said Butters.  
"The teacher isn't here yet, I suppose we can talk about it."  
So, all of my best friends dragged me out of the classroom to see why I was so devastated.  
I could see that they were all worried, but Eric looked almost disgusted by my tears.  
"What's wrong, little buddy?" said Kenny in a sweet tone.  
"I just..." I said, while looking away and trying to keep myself from constantly staring at Eric.  
I was also trying to think of some excuse I could find to justify my apparently random breakdown.  
"Is that about finals?" Eric asked, sternly.  
That could work, given the exams were now only weeks away.  
"Yeah... I'm really under pressure, guys."I said, sniffling a little.  
Heidi was kind enough to take a tissue from her pocket and pass it to me.  
" Oh, come on." said Eric,"Be tough for once in your life. We're all stressed out here, yet we don't let it get to us like it does to you. Don't think about it too much, be happy that you're here, with us, spending your last few weeks  
in school with your best friends. After that and our trip, we might not get to see each other that often. So don't be all teary eyed and shit, Kyle. Just relax. " he concluded.  
It felt more like an order than advice or whatever that was supposed to be.  
" Yeah, we're all upset about finals," said Heidi, giving me a sympathetic smile. "But I try to be positive about it, we all are."  
I felt very loved and happy in that moment, although they were comforting me over a _lie, _but it still managed to make me feel a bit better.  
The guilt in my gut wouldn't shut up, though. I felt really bad for lying. I wanted to blurt it out right then and there, let the world know I was in love.  
But nothing came out of my mouth, I only cried harder and threw myself at Eric, hugging him tightly.  
I thanked him for being harsh on me, because I was someone who needed to be treated like that when sad.  
It was a bit like shock therapy, I might say.  
Also, flashes from my dream came to my mind as the big guy had his arms wrapped around my torso.

* * *

When we were at the cafeteria at lunch time, I was a bit absent minded.  
I wasn't really into the conversation we were having, honestly.  
It revolved around Stan's obsession with Wendy and I really couldn't stand to repeat the same things over and over again.  
Sure, I wanted to be there for Stan when it came to his heartbreak problems, but it was usually the same talk.  
He would freak out about a recent fight with her, how she would ignore him and block him on social media for days, only to come back into his life and lure him into her claws back again.  
She was off to college, as she was a year older than us, so, at least, we weren't forced to see her at school.  
Personally, I hated Wendy for what she was doing to him.  
She was dating another guy at the moment, a certain Gregory or something, so she was cheating on him with Stan, or the other way around.  
It had become tiring to listen to Stan's constant rambling about her.  
Eric was scolding him about how he should act with her, but Stan didn't take any of his shit.  
He did what he wanted to. He was basically the only one among us who would stand up to Eric, that's why they would fight quite often.  
I wasn't following their talk, though, I was looking at Eric the whole time.  
How attractive he was when he was angry and I wanted to cry all over again because I was afraid I might lose them soon, if they had known what my problem really was.  
But I wanted to be calm about it.  
I had been able to keep it a secret for over three years, though, and I had never had those kind of thoughts about losing them.  
I guess that in the early moments, I was just too immature to even realise that what I was feeling was dangerous.  
I felt that, if I kept myself from kissing him and such, then nothing would have ruined the friendship.  
However, when I was drunk I had to be really careful not to spill the beans.  
And, besides, the feeling had never been as strong as it was in the latest moments... It was more of a doubt about him and it was much easier to keep it at bay.  
As the days went on, I noticed that my dreams were being haunted by not so pleasant stuff.  
They were nightmares about Heidi finding out about my affection towards her boyfriend and abruptly ending the friendship.  
In one of them, we were in her car and she had found out by looking through my notes on my phone.  
In the dream she went nuts and kicked me out of the car.  
Then, in the second dream, she just left me there and stormed out angrily as hot tears formed in her eyes.  
I always woke up sweating and crying, but thankful that it had only been a dream.  
Stan needed to know about it.  
But it just didn't feel like the right moment. I couldn't ever find him alone and if I did he would only talk about Wendy.  
So I thought, in the meantime, I would tell someone who wasn't in the group, Craig.  
It was ironic how I had told my friends that I had feelings for him, so it was weird to tell him that I was confused about my feelings for Eric.  
I told him one morning during Biology class and he looked pretty interested in that issue.  
I told him everything about the situation, even about the incident with the guy in the club. I omitted the details about the dreams, of course, but I still told him that I had a thing for being punished by Eric.  
"Well, Kyle," he began, after thinking about what he should say for a few minutes. "It seems here that you have some sort of mental attraction for Cartman. I mean, sometimes you can really enjoy someone's company and simply be friends with them, but you are into him, dude. Maybe you're not in love with him... You're telling me you have the urge to kiss him sometimes, right? I guess you have a sort of attraction to him, you think a lot of him, but it doesn't sound like love to me. I mean, the way I feel for Tweek is different and I certainly don't want him to _punish_ me, as we're on the same line, there isn't a dominant one.  
That aspect I think can be translated in need of affection, but also someone who treats you like a parent. I guess your parents fail to do that. "  
Wow, Craig had a future as a psychologist, I might say.

What he said made sense, it wasn't love, only a desperate need for guidance.  
The rest could be united with my daddy issues, because my father wasn't really stern.  
My mother was stricter than he was, but she was too busy yelling around at my father to bring her authority on me.  
And I supposed I was too old to be treated like that.  
"Well, what would you think if, say, your best friend happened to be in love with Tweek?" I asked, after thanking him for his analysis.  
"Well it would upset me, but I would talk to him before thinking he wants to steal him from me. But I wouldn't advice you to tell Heidi about it - trust me, I saw her almost come to blows with Bebe, once, because she had made a comment about Cartman's ass."

* * *

That afternoon I walked home from school with Craig's words floating through my head.  
He might have been right about what I was actually feeling, but I wasn't too calm.  
After all, Craig didn't know me that well, so he could have just guessed.  
But there was something we all agreed on and it was that Heidi didn't need to know, or she would have left me like she had done in my dreams.


	7. Graduation Day

Soon came the dreaded finals, stress invaded all our bodies like a deadly parasite.

In the days prior to them, Stan wouldn't stop throwing up from the anxiety, therefore he would spend hours in the school toilets.

Heidi was so nervous that she had paused our night meetings at Tweek Cafe, as she had to spend all her free time studying.

Kenny and Butters were also under a lot of pressure, but they would rely on each other, so they weren't really having it bad.

I couldn't help feeling lonely during the last week of school, as none of my friends was free to hang out with.

Eric was extra busy with both work and studying, so he was also a no-go.

Spending all my spare time alone made me think a lot.

Why was Eric's presence in my brain so painful? It had always brought me happiness.

It was Heidi. As time passed, it was becoming worse to disguise what I was feeling. She knew me so, so well and she had asked me so many times what was going through my mind, especially when we were at school. She wasn't convinced in my exams stress excuse, on the contrary she was suspecting something more sinister was hidden underneath.

I thought back on my talk with Eric in the car. If that hadn't happened, I would have probably not given it too much thought. I would have continued being able to hide that part of myself, not think about it too much and enjoy the time I had with my friends.

But it had grown to be a bug that liked gnawing at my brain with his little mandible.

Why did I have to be so goddamn paranoid?

Craig had given me his opinion, but I wanted to look into it more, so I asked random people on the internet.

Many confirmed his theory, but there was one particular person who had responded that, yes, I wanted to be with Eric so much and that I should have tried stealing him from Heidi.

That was not going to happen.

The others seemed to be very chill about it, saying that, even if I liked him a lot, if I was accepting that nothing more than a friendship would have developed, then I had to be calm about it.

But the question was, did I want that or did I want more? Maybe, I didn't want what Heidi had with him - they were too sweet and sometimes, vomit inducing - but I wanted some sort of daddy kink shit... that was why I wasn't bothered by them.

It was also true that it wasn't possible for a "triangle" to exist, not when Eric and Heidi were both very strict when it came to monogamy.

They always looked down upon throuples, threeways and orgies, saying that they were, quote, inhuman.

It was obvious that I either had to suppress my undying desire towards Eric, or I had to put an end to the friendship.

No way I would have even considered the last option.

I didn't do my exams in complete concentration when the time came, if I had to be honest.

I was too distracted by other matters.

Also, I wasn't too worried, since I usually didn't need to study that hard in order to achieve good grades.

But I still hoped I hadn't completely failed them.

Kenny would keep repeating that, after exams and school had finished, we would have been on our way to Hawaii. He used it as a way to hold on through the whole struggle with our last bits of school.

He didn't fail to get everyone excited.

Again, in all honesty , I wasn't too thrilled about Hawaii anymore, not like the other vacations.

Mainly, because I had chosen to come to terms with my obsession with Eric once and for all.

At least, telling Stan about it, after all he was messaging with an emotionally unavailable person.

That didn't stop me from making my final speech for Graduation Day.

I had been chosen to be the Valedictorian, based on my result throughout the year and I had a heartfelt talk in store for all my friends.

Although I had yet another bug invading my brain, telling me that they were a bit too suffocating lately.

A bit too controlling, but then again, they had always been a bit too possessive and such when it came to everyone in the group, not just me.

So, at Graduation Day, I gave my speech.

I felt a bit silly, wearing that large academic dress and that famous black hat.

Nonetheless, I felt happy as I spoke, thanking South Park High School for being a great part of my life, for bettering my education and helping my growth.

Lastly, I thanked my friends.

"Dear South Park High School, I can assure you that the best part of my journey here has been sharing it with my amazing best friends, Eric Cartman, Heidi Turner, Kenneth McCormick, Leopold Stotch, Stanley Marsh. Guys, you have made my days here feel a lot better and a lot less stressful and I will never thank you enough for the good times we had together, for all the times you were there for me, even when I felt I couldn't find my way out of the darkness, you didn't hesitate in shining a light at me, ridding me of those bad thoughts and bringing the widest and realest smile to my face. But you didn't only make my days better, you made my _life _better."

My voice cracked as I said the last words. Soon, hot tears began to stream down my eyes, coming down on my cheeks like unstoppable falls.

Needless to say, all my friends were touched in some way by my words. The only one who was a bit annoyed was Stan, but only because he was the most cynical one out of all of us.

Even Eric was tearing up, smiling widely as he undoubtedly felt proud of his little Kyle.

Kenny had filmed the whole thing, as he would for the pranks pulled on me, usually.

When I came down to meet them again - they were already sitting on the chairs, with their diplomas in their hands - they all greeted me with a tight group hug.

"You're so cute, Kyle, you make my life better, too." said Heidi, all smiles and tears. One of her tears wet my cheek but I didn't really care.

"Aren't you the sweetest little buddy." Said Kenny as he squeezed my cheek.

"Aw, you sure the sweetest gay I know, after me and Kenny." said Butters in a very sweet tone.

Stan didn't say a word, but Eric sure did something that made feel glad that I was wearing that long ass dress.

When everyone pulled away from the hug, he took my face in his hands and kissed my cheek, in a spot which was close to my mouth.

I remember the feeling of his hot breath so close to my lips and it made me feel so good, and it was able to, once again, create a movement in my pants.

_Oh, no. _I shouldn't have let myself react in that way to his affection, not anymore.

There it was, the obsession once again. I really hated that he smelled so strongly of his stupid softener that I liked so much.

In that moment, everyone else around us disappeared and it was only me and Eric, basking into that moment of cuteness.

It didn't take long, however, for Heidi to see the moment between us. So, she came to whisk away her boyfriend, linking an arm with his.

"Can you believe it guys? We're finally free!" She said as she snuggled close to her lover, making me feel rather... God forbid, _jealous_.

Damn emotions and damn being gay. Had I been straight, I wouldn't have fallen for someone like him, I would have probably found a girlfriend and continued the friendship in utter serenity.

"Yeah!" said Butters in his usual cheery tone. "And I can't wait to go to Hawaii next week! It will be so great! I can assure you, it will be an amazing experience! Me and my favorite people all together! I can hardly wait to show you all the wonders about my hometown!"

If he could be an emoji, I swear he was totally the cat with heart eyes.

Soon, we all started celebrating, throwing our hats in the air, dancing with each other and counting down the days that were left before our little getaway.

* * *

I began to pack my bags when there were only three days left before leaving.

I find it hard to describe just how much nervousness I was feeling.  
Not even comparable to the anxiety before the exams.  
I was pretty sure that no one before me had ever felt that upset about a freaking vacation.  
Well, I don't think they were planning on revealing a feeling to someone after years of turbulent hiding.  
I wish I had someone in that moment to stop me from telling him that, that it would be a terrible idea.  
But then again, I wasn't really known for being too rational.  
The group chat was blowing up with people sending pictures of their bags, asking what kind of clothing they should bring.  
Butters said very light clothing, loose shirts and many shorts.  
As I scanned through the room, hoping to find everything I needed, I heard footsteps coming into the room.  
I turned my head to see who it was.  
Ike, my thirteen year old brother, was standing at my door, a worried look painted on his face.  
"Hey, Ike, what's up?" I asked.  
"I'm the one who's asking it." He said as he walked closer to where I was standing. "I mean, you're packing yiur bag to go to freaking Hawaii, yet you look like you're going to a funeral... Just, what's going on?"  
I gulped. Ike didn't know anything about my fascination with Eric, he didn't even know I was gay, for the record.  
I suddenly remembered an incident from years before, when Ike was only ten.  
Eric, Heidi, Stan and I were in my room, getting ready to go out dancing in a club and Ike was a bit starstruck over Eric.  
He would hug him, play with his hair and stuff.  
Heidi was completely shocked when she heard him say "Wow, you got a big ass, Eric!" After that, Heidi was never too happy about visiting my house when my brother was around.  
She would go on about how obsessed Ike was with him, that he would think about him, stare at him, and want to do things only she should be able to do with her boyfriend. Lastly, she would finish her ramble with "Ike will only see Eric with a telescope."  
Her reaction was obviously exaggerated, because Ike was simply curious about Eric. He admired him in a non sexual way because, of course, he was a ten year old boy.  
But Heidi was extremely jealous.  
It scared me a lot, though, thinking that she would reserve the same treatment for me.  
"Ike," I said, sighing. "You remember Eric?"  
He nodded, then he went to sit on the bed. "What about him, bro? He still with that girl, Heidi?" he wasn't too in love with her either.  
"Yeah um... There's a problem. I think I might be um... In _love_ with him."  
I said, looking down at the ground.  
When I looked back at him, I saw that he was not shocked at all.  
"That was obvious." he said, shrugging. "Everyone here knows you're gay. And mom? She thinks you're a bit obsessed with Eric, too. I mean, God, it's like your brain stops working when he's around, or when you talk about him."  
Oh well. That had gone rather smoothly.  
But, yeah, if even my family knew about Eric, I was certain that the group was aware of it.  
So, if they weren't saying anything about it, maybe it meant they were cool with it.  
Weird, the fact that Heidi would be.  
But then again, our friendship was too precious to be thrown away for something like that, right?  
My dreams didn't seem to agree with it, though.  
"Uh... Well, shit. I think I'm screwed, if that is so obvious." I said, biting my nails a little.  
"I don't think there's anything to worry about, dude." Ike said in a reassuring tone. "Do what you feel like doing, OK? And besides, if you're cool with just being friends with him, I doubt anything bad will happen. There is nothing to condemn about feeling love. " 


	8. Let's Go To Hawaii

On June 7th, I woke up suddenly, fearing that I had overslept.  
My phone said it was 7am, still pretty early to wake up.  
I sighed, sinking back into my bed.  
I was way too anxious every time I had to travel somewhere.  
The idea was to wake up at around 10, gather all of my things, leave the house, be picked up by Kenny and drive to the airport.  
I couldn't fall back asleep, so I stayed awake, in bed for three hours, anticipating the vacation.  
When it was time to leave, I said bye to my family.  
My mom told me I should be careful, always stay around my friends and never do things alone.  
The typical mother stuff.  
Ike hugged me tightly, wishing me luck.  
I really needed it.  
As I left the house, I saw that Kenny and Butters were already there.  
Butters was standing outside of the car, sunglasses on and a bubblu tea in his hand.  
He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and that inevitably made me giggle.  
"Wow, someone's excited!" I observed as I walked inside the car, sitting in the back seat.  
"You betcha!" said Butters, sipping on his tea. He then got into the car as well.  
"The airport is two hours away, so buckle up for a great ride with us!" Said Kenny as he turned around to look at me.  
Kenny and Butters weren't a bad company, but they could be a bit boring sometimes.  
So I wasn't too thrilled about spending two hours with only them, but I smiled nonetheless.  
Kenny then turned on the radio and blasted Hawaiian music, much to his boyfriend's excitement.  
For the whole two hours, I was envying Stan for being in the car with Heidi and Eric.  
I wondered what they were doing, no one was writing in the group.  
After a while, Kenny was going on about their other group of friends, how Token and Nichole had problems, how Red and Nelly were fighting about Jason White.  
Stuff I couldn't understand, really.  
Finally, when the two hours were over, I saw the other three of our clique outside, just getting out of Eric's car.  
I ran to them as soon as I saw them.  
"Oh, Kyle! Thank God, you're here, Stan isn't really the greatest company." Said Eric, winking at me.  
Then he gave me half a hug and whispered in my ear that I was his favorite in the group.  
Well, what a way to begin the day together.  
"I heard you!" Said Stan annoyedly.  
"Jeez, Stanley, you don't look that happy. We're going to Hawaii!" said Kenny, pushing him a little.  
"Yeah, I am happy, I'm just... Not too excited, since Wendy just ended things with me." Stan said while shrugging.  
"Again?" I said, rolling my eyes.  
"Yeah, Ky, he's been talking about her non stop, for two whole hours." Said Heidi while shaking her head.  
"Well, now that we go on this adventure, none of us is allowed to think about Wendys, Craigs or anyone else, OK?" said Eric, slapping both me and Stan on the back.

* * *

Heidi had an obsession with taking pictures about whatever she did.  
Before doing the metal detector, we took like five photos.  
Then we took another 6 when we were at the gate.  
Kenny obviously posted an Instagram story with us about to board the plane.  
On the aircraft, I was sitting between Stan and Heidi, while Eric and the gay couple sat together, in the row next to ours.  
We spent the first few hours singing, exciting each other about our trip, but it was a long flight, so I slept for the rest of it.

Upon waking up, I noticed that all my friends were chuckling softly while looking at each other and occasionally glancing at me.  
I had the suspect that they had organised some sort of a prank on me, but I chose to play pretend.  
Not that I was in the mood for it, really.  
"We landed!" said an excited Heidi, looking outside the window as the plane stopped moving. Of course, she snapped a picture.  
The view was breathtaking, you could see the seaside from there.  
It was the most beautiful sea I had ever seen. Not that I had seen many, living in our precious mountain town.  
"Ah, I can't wait to get off this stupid plane!" said Butters, while already standing up.  
It was 4pm and the sun was high up in the sky. It was mind blowing to think that we had boarded the plane at 1pm and we had now arrived, after seven hours of flying, and it was still broad daylight.  
Jetlag was starting to confuse me a little.  
"Let's wait until most of the people leave before getting down." said a sensible Stan.  
The plane was rather packed, and so many people were crowding towards the exits.  
I hated when that happened in planes.  
"Ugh, why can't they get moving? Uncle has our taxi ready. He just texted me and told me our ride is already here!" Butters groaned.  
"Relax, babe. They won't abandon us if they don't see us for two minutes." Kenny chimed in, trying to reassure his boyfriend.  
Minutes later, when the plane was almost empty, we left it, at last.  
When we got to arrivals, we saw a tall guy who was holding a sign saying  
"LEOPOLD STOTCH".  
"Hi, I'm Leopold!" said Butters as soon as he spotted him.  
"Ah, Hello!" the taxi driver said, shaking his hand, then he motioned for us to follow him outside.  
We all went into that spacious car. It was weird to be all sitting in the same car.  
I was sitting next to Eric and I was so into the fact that our legs were touching. He was wearing shorts, the ones from my dreams, so his legs were naked.  
There were six seats, all in the back, half of them facing the remaining ones, so I was facing Stan, who, for once, wasn't on his phone.  
He was next to Heidi and Kenny.  
"You see, guys, that right there is a national park, then if you look you can see..." Butters was explaining everything that we passed while in the cab, but I wasn't listening to him.  
I was staring at Eric's knees the whole time, thinking of their role in my not so chaste dreams.  
But I was also happy because I was sitting next to him.  
I loved it, I usually wasn't a fan of sitting next to the others, not that they annoyed me, but it was just Eric.  
I put my head on his shoulder and relaxed, taking in that high amount of happiness that I was afraid I would lose soon.  
I was trying to live in the moment.

Only twenty minutes later, we were already at the hotel, our suitcases in our hands.  
The hotel was breathtaking. It was more of a resort, with a gigantic pool, restaurants and bars.  
It was really big, also. Looking at it, I thought that there were at least 300 rooms.  
"Butters!" said a manly voice as soon as we entered the building.  
It was surely his uncle, Budd, who owned the hotel.  
He was really tanned and he was dressed rather casually for being ths businessman that he was.  
"Uncle!" said Butters, throwing himself at him and squeezing him into a tight hug.  
"So good to see you!" said Budd as he pulled away. "And so good to see you, too, Kenneth!"  
Kenny blushed a little, he was a bit shy around his boyfriend's relatives.  
"Hi, Budd." he said queitly.  
"And you guys must be Kyle, Heidi, Eric and Stanley, uh?" The man said while inspecting us with his eyes.  
"I see, so only one girl in the group. Poor little one. She's the girlfriend of the guy with black hair, right? Eric, right? And then there's another gay couple, the tall guy and the redhead?"  
He said, suggesting that Heidi was Stan's girlfriend and that I was actually in a relationship with _Eric._  
"Not really!" I said, laughing really hard."It's so ridiculous how you'd think that."  
"Yeah.. No, I am her boyfriend, Stan and Kyle are just friends." said Eric, awkwardly.  
Uncle Budd looked very mortified to have made that mistake.  
I don't know how I managed to avoid blushing during that whole thing.  
It was weird, though, how people would think we were actually_ a couple_.  
Heidi was laughing, too. As if her Eric could ever be in a relationship with Kyle, right?  
Something about her laugh seemed strange to me, but I tried to brush it off.  
Budd then guided us to our rooms. They were all on the same floor and next to each other.  
Stan and I had room number 240, while two couples respectively 242 and 244.  
"So, the rooms have everything you need, as you can see they have air conditioning, a tv and a small kitchen.  
But I advise you to go and eat out if you can, there are so many restaurants here. If you need anything, you can call the number shown on the bedside table.  
I hope you enjoy your stay here, I'll be here if you need me. "said Budd with a wide smile upon giving us our keys.  
Then, he disappeared into the distance.  
" Ok, guys. "Said Eric."Let's go into our rooms to get changed in our bathing suits, then I say we hit the pool?"  
"Great Idea!" Butters agreed. "We can have a calm day today, then tomorrow we can go to the Aquarium. Tonight we can surely eat at Steak Shak, it's a really cool place!"  
So, the day was settled.  
So, we went into our rooms to get ready for a splashing day at the pool.  
Stan and I's room was really nice.  
It had a king sized bed, a big tv and an enormous window, with a view that would take anyone's breath away.  
Stan, however, wasn't jumping from joy when he saw that he would have to sleep in the same bed. Not that he was afraid of me touching him or something, he was just not too fond of sharing a bed with people - except of course, his delicate flower, Wendy.  
He also had a strong hatred for people who moved while sleeping.  
And I did that a lot, so he would yell at me many times.  
The fact that he snored loudly was only compensating.  
"Great, why did Uncle Budd have to think we were all couples?" He complained.  
"I don't know, but we won't die, it's just for a week, dude." I said, nonchalantly.  
Then I went into the bathroom to change my clothes.  
As I was putting on my bathing suit, I thought that I could take advantage of our time alone and let him in on my feelings for Eric.  
But, as soon as I walked into the bedroom again, I saw that he was on the bed, texting Wendy with such fury that he was crying.  
It wasn't really a good time.  
I sighed loudly.  
"Seriously, dude, fuck Wendy! We have a great week ahead of us, who cares about that bitch?" I said.  
"She can fucking _die." _He said through his tears and throwing his phone away from him. "She says she loves me, but that she will never break up with Gregory because she can't live without him!"  
Oh, God damn Wendy and the day Stan met her.  
"She needs help, I tell you. You ready now? Get your bag, your towel and let's go outside."  
I said, almost like an order, to which Stan replied by rolling his eyes. 

* * *

Finally, half an hour later we were all standing by the pool.  
Stan was very groggy, but he dropped his act as soon as Eric threw him in the pool."Don't be such a party pooper, Marsh!" He said as he did so.  
Something about his action made me feel really jealous.  
Maybe because he would usually do that to me.  
Not many minutes later, that's exactly what he did, however.  
He did so while holding me extremely tight.  
I squirmed quite violently while laughing hysterically.  
A bit of the water got into my mouth because it was open from laughter, so, when I emerged, I coughed.  
Eric was laughing too.  
Soon after that, everyone was in the pool, forgetting about the worries of the world, enjoying each other's company...  
That until we came out of the water and lounged on the chairs.  
I stared at the sky, while thinking that I could lose all of that soon.  
I thought of how important that group of people was for me, how happy I was feeling...and the fear of them leaving me was stronger than my ability to have a good time with them.  
What if they all knew and they were just pretending not to for the sake of our friendship? What would I have done without Eric in my life? Without them, the only reason for living I had?  
They were too important for me to lose them all at once.  
But a more rational part of me kept saying that it was really impossible, our friendship was stronger than ever.  
Eric needed to know about my feelings, didn't he? It would have made our friendship better, if anything... He had said it himself, he would be fine with it...  
But, my tears thought it would be good to wet my eyes.  
Something that everyone noticed, of course.  
"Why are you so quiet?" asked Eric, his voice a bit worried and I couldn't help feeling so much love for him in that moment, which made it worse.  
So, I was bawling freely only seconds later.  
"What the hell are you crying for?" Heidi asked, slightly angry. "We're all here, together. Let's enjoy the now! I swear I'll throw you in the pool if you don't stop!"  
"Aw, sweetie!" Said Kenny, running towards me. He then cupped my face with his hands and dried some of my tears. "He's keeping something to himself that he wishes he could tell us, but he can't!" He said, essentially speaking the truth.  
That made me cry even more.  
Keeping secrets does so many things to a person, it eats away at you.  
I turned my head to give Eric a look, he looked a bit disappointed.  
" Is that about Craig? " he asked.  
" No. " I managed to say in between sobs. "It's... About... My parents." I said.  
"Oh. Here we go again." Stan said while rolling his eyes.  
"We told you, they love you, they're just too busy fighting with each other to give you much attention." Heidi intervened.  
"You need to stop thinking about them, while you're with us. We are your real family, so be happy."  
Eric said, slapping my back.  
Then, he obviously threw me into the pool again, hoping to, maybe, get me to smile again.  
That worked.  
But that would be the first of many times I would cry like that, my thoughts poisoned by fear.


	9. Let It Out, Or It Will Eat You Up

The second day, just like Butters had anticipated, we visited the famous Waikiki Aquarium.  
We woke up pretty early in the morning, after sleeping only a few hours, given we had gone back to our rooms pretty late at night.  
Stan was groggy, as always, spying on Wendy's instagram and avoiding to talk to me.  
I was really tired, but I still managed to get dressed for our trip, all while he was laying in bed, doing nothing.  
"Stanley! Will you please get out of that bed and get ready to go? We have a bus to catch, you know!" I said in reprimand.  
He slowly did as I said and he stared at me deep in my eyes when he spoke next.  
"Wendy is coming here on Monday and we agreed to meet."  
I literally couldn't roll my eyes more if I tried.  
"That's awesome, isn't it?" I said sarcastically, while grabbing my phone.  
"I don't know, I'm just really nervous about it." He said and I could see he was honest.  
"Well, wait and see what Eric and Heidi's reaction to it will be."  
"Did I ever care if Eric got angry about my things with Wendy? It's my life, I do what I feel like doing, Kyle."  
Maybe he was right, but he was also very brave to say so.  
I couldn't help remembering Eric's outburst with him from months before, when Stan had literally begged me to help with his homework and had, well, downright expected me to do it.  
How Eric had called him a piece of shit and all that jazz.  
Sometimes I wondered how cynical and nihilist a person could be before crossing a line.  
I texted the group chat, warning them that we had to catch a bus in only half an hour, but only Butters and Kenny replied, saying they would be ready in minutes.  
I hated that Heidi and Eric always woke up so late when they were together.  
It would take them _ages _to be ready, while I was always the early bird.  
It was boring to be ready to go, backpack on, but having to wait for all those slowbros to put on a shirt.  
And I was the one with the worst hair to tame.  
"I wouldn't be so tired if you hadn't _moved _on the bed all night, asshole. And also, when you went to sleep, you spent like five hours in the bathroom, making noise while flushing and banging doors all over the place." Stan complained when I told him to speed up his pace.  
" Oh, well, I'm sorry about the noise, I tried to be as quiet as possible. But I can't do anything about the movement, it's involuntary. What am I supposed to say, then? You snore like an old boar with a cold." I said in my defense.  
Stan didn't say anything.  
I had to keep myself from beating him with my bare hands. I knew he was behaving like that because he was anxious about his stupid girlfriend.  
He was right about some aspects, but there are nicer ways to tell someone they are doing something that is irritating you.  
Finally, an hour later, the group was reunited.  
Of course, we had to take the 11 am bus to get to the aquarium, therefore arriving there about an hour later.  
It was packed with people, especially children. Not a surprise, since it was Saturday.  
Apparently, as Butters explained, men liked to propose to their girlfriends in front of the tanks.  
I could see why, upon entering the venue.  
I had always been fascinated by marine life, so I felt absolutely mesmerised by the sight of those colorful sharks and tropical fish.  
Eric, being a fisherman, was telling us exactly what kind of fish swam in the enormous tank.  
He, of course, compared me to the clown fish, as he thought I was silly lile a clown.  
He earned a death stare for that comment.  
The first hour or so, things were fun and I was quite happy to be there with my favourite people in the world.  
However, as time went on, I felt a weird feeling in my gut.  
I couldn't help noticing that Eric was very friendly with Stan and they would even walk around linking arms, playing with each other and taking a whole load of selfies.  
I hated that, honestly, because, when Eric was around, I never wanted anyone but Heidi around him.  
I wanted his attention.  
Obviously, everyone surely noticed.  
"What's that long face pal?" said Kenny, seeing that I was slightly upset.  
Jealous, envious... All that jazz.  
"Nothing..." I said, shaking my head.  
"Where's Kyle?" I heard Eric's voice say, which made me feel a lot better.  
"He's here!" Kenny yelled, pointing at me.  
"Come up here!" Eric called to me. "You make me worried if you're there in the back. Besides, if you spend too much time around Kenny you're gonna absorb his poverty." He teased.  
Kenny gave him the finger and I reacted with laughter.  
I couldn't help feeling all warm and fuzzy at his words, though.  
Eric worried about me.  
There was nothing better than that.

But, still, I couldn't help feeling almost crushed by the fact that Stan was at the center of his attention, the fact that Eric pulled pranks on him, laughed with him and pushed him around.  
_I_ was the one to take his pranks, _I_ was the one he joked around with, usually.  
Damn Stanley, he wasn't deserving of all those attentions, not when he was always a cynical asshole to everyone, caring more about a text to his beloved Wendy than spending quality time with loved ones.  
I wasn't a bit jealous, I was _extremely_ jealous of Eric.  
Even of his animals, his pig Fluffy and his cat, Mr Kitty.  
He would often cuddle them when at his house and I didn't want that.  
He would literally smooch that cat while holding him close to his chest and I couldn't help imagining myself in his place.  
Back to the present time, while walking around the aquarium, taking pictures, exchanging conversations, I was getting sad.  
Stan even asked me to take a picture of him being all cute with Eric in front of a tank.  
As I was looking at them through the phone, I saw that Stan gave Eric a kiss on the cheek.  
Something like that from _Stan _was literally a unique moment.  
I wanted to throw the phone at them and literally throw Stan into the shark tank.  
Such thought made me feel like I had a problem.  
There it goes, I was trying to hold back tears once again.  
I was too obsessed with Eric, I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him and not get his cuddles or his little games.  
I needed that with him and I really hated when he did that to others, really. I was his little Kyle.  
I tried to avoid thinking about that by admiring the fish as they swam, taking in the beautiful sight of their colorful fins.  
But it didn't do much.  
Then, it was time to go see the seal exhibit.  
I always liked them, they were cute little animals. Plus, they were really funny.  
I wanted to be a seal, sometimes.  
There were two Hawaiian Monk seals in the tank, one was surely the mother, while the other one was her offspring.  
The little baby seal was really cute, but he was also very annoying with his mom.  
He would dance around her and bite her whiskers when she was lying on a rock.  
Heidi was really entertained by that, so she would dub them while taking a video.  
She made a deep voice while taking the role of the mother as she said stuff like "Johnny, drop it! You're so annoying!" and made a baby voice for the younger seal.  
"Mommy, please! Let's go get ice cream!"  
"In a bit, Johnny! Let mommy rest!"  
Of course, everyone burst out laughing.  
Heidi was fun when she wanted to.  
Eric was the one laughing the hardest.  
"Oh, babe, you're the funniest out here." he said through laughter, all while wrapping her in a hug from behind.  
I didn't know why but their interactions didn't bother me.  
Probably because Heidi was a girl? Hard to tell.

* * *

The rest of that Saturday was spent quite well.  
We went to a beach and had dinner in its restaurant.  
It was so lovely, I had to admit, eating there, taking in the view...  
But I was crying.  
Yeah, like the day before, so I had to make an excuse and run to the toilet, where I let go of my anxiety and downright sobbed.  
All of that ending, I just didn't want it to happen, nor did I want to think about it too much.  
My best friends, my life... I couldn't give up on them.  
I didn't want to admit to myself that my feelings for Eric were becoming painful, honestly.  
I couldn't spend a day with them without crying, without feeling distressed for it.  
In the past years, I wouldn't let them get to me like that.  
I just didn't admit that to myself, so it was a lot better.  
But living with that knowledge, the idea that I was really, truly falling for him was not too easy to come to terms with.  
His games, my dreams about him, my inability to avoid blushing when around him, my happiness just by talking to him...  
I just couldn't take it. I had to tell Stan.

* * *

That was the moment I would say that out loud for the first time.  
Well, the second one, counting my talk with Ike.  
But Stan was part of our group so, of course, it was a totally different approach.  
I was in our hotel room, sitting on the bed, shaking.  
It was night, we had just gone back home after dinner.  
Stan was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth.  
Even the noise of the bristles against his teeth made me feel nervous.  
Oh hell, what would his reaction be?  
I couldn't help fearing the worst.  
When I heard him spit in the sink, the water running as he washed it and then, finally, the door opening as I saw him come out of the bathroom, I felt like I was going to faint.  
The first thing he did while coming into the bedroom was grab his phone and text she who must not be spoken of.  
I took a breath and cleared my throat to get his attention.  
"Stan, I need to tell you something." I said, trying to keep the trembling to a minimum.  
He was visibly alarmed.  
"What is it about?" he said, his tone of a worried person.  
He had left his phone on the bedside table, so that was serious.  
"Don't worry, it's just...The reason I was sad looking, yesterday. "  
_Oh god, oh god. Someone help me._  
"I have doubts about whether I like a person, Stan. That's not you, don't worry."  
He took a sigh of relief and let go of a great amount of tension.  
"Oh, thank God. I would have left you right away, you know?" he said, giggling a little.  
"So, who is it? Kenny? Butters?" he asked.  
"No." I replied, my heart thumping like a mouse's heart would.  
"Well... That can't be Heidi, right? If it was her, Kyle... Well you wouldn't be gay."  
"Of course, so if it isn't her..."  
"It's Eric." he said.  
Oh damn, I couldn't believe I had just said that out loud.  
I nodded my head, then I turned around to look at him.  
"Oh, dear God. Save us." he said, scooping closer to me. "Kyle, what the Hell did you just say to me? That's dangerous! What kind of doubts do you have?"  
"Well, I feel so much happier when he's around me than when it's only us, or only me and Heidi or if he's missing in action.  
I mean, it's a lot more happiness, I always want his affection, his cuddles... I love when he gives me attention, really. Oh and I feel like I always have to be my best self in order to avoid disappointing him.  
Like, everything I do needs his approval."  
It sure felt good to let that out.  
"I see. Well, this sounds to me like it's admiration. Maybe, you admire him a lot more than you do us." was his analysis.  
I considered it. That was probably right, it made sense.  
Yeah, I had a lot of admiration for him, like he could do no wrong in my eyes." For example, I feel that way about my parents. I feel like everything needs their approval. "  
Eric was kind of a father figure for me.  
Which was weird because he was younger than me, but he was protective, everything I wanted my father to be.  
I had daddy issues and he knew how to handle them.  
" Have you ever been attracted to him?" Stan asked, after a prolonged silence.  
I didn't say anything.  
The answer to that was yes, obviously.  
I found him really attractive, in ways I couldn't tell him.  
I couldn't just blurt out about my spanking fantasies or my continuous hidden erections around him.  
He repeated the question.  
"No, but I feel really jealous of everyone. Except for Heidi... I feel jealous when he teases Butters and Kenny and, well, when he acts cute with you."  
"Ah, fuck you, bitch!" He yelled, pointing at me. He said that with a hint of laughter, like he was gratified about it.  
That was irritating, but I chose to ignore it.  
"... But I don't mind when he's with Heidi. I'm not bothered by seeing them together. It's what's confusing me. In compensation, I'm jealous of his pig and cat."  
"That's a bit weird." he observed.  
There were so many things I omitted. Other than my attraction to him, I failed to fill him in on the _fabric_ _softener _and the fact I would fall asleep while hearing his recordings.  
If he thought that was weird...  
"But anyway, I don't think you're in _love_ with him. As I said, it's admiration and a greater amount of adoration you feel for him. So, if I were you I wouldn't worry. I never noticed anything - the only thing I saw was you wanting to be in the car with him. If it develops, let me know, Ok? This situation isn't easy and it would be awful if it happened to be more."


	10. Compulsory Need

Telling Stan about my confusion was therapeutic, to say the least.  
It gave me a lot to think of.  
The word _admiration_ kept repeating itself in my brain.  
Could that really be why I was so drawn to Eric?  
Do you really admire someone and then feel obsessive attraction towards them?  
The day after, June 9th, I woke up at about 8 am.  
I couldn't sleep, as I couldn't stop thinking about that.  
There was another thing that wouldn't leave my brain, that is that I somehow wanted to be woken up sweetly by Eric and Heidi.  
Nothing inappropriate, just them taking care of me in a way.  
Our parents / little boy thing was getting out of hand and I, myself, was aware of it.  
My "wake up call" - in brakets because I was already awake - wasn't really sweet, not one bit.  
It was Stan shaking my body saying "Wake up, you dumbass."  
How cute.  
I sat up, yawning.  
"Reminder, tell me how your thing with Eric develops, ok?" Stan said, again.  
He looked a bit concerned to say the least.  
It felt good to be able to be open about it, but only to an extent.  
I was afraid he would let it slip.

That day we were all supposed to go to a beach, one Kenny and Butters were truly crazy about.  
It was Butters' childhood place to spend the Summer.  
Its name was Queen's beach, and Butters had learned how to surf there, when he was around three years old.  
I was slightly frightened by that seaside, honestly - Hawaii was famous for shark attacks.  
Of course, when I disclosed my anxiety to the group, mr Eric Cartman said "I hope a shark eats you, you retard. "  
Classic.  
But that time, I didn't respond with my usual stare.  
I was feeling a bit upset, if I had to be honest.  
I felt like I had swallowed a crab, and the little crustacean was now in my stomach, twisting it and pinching it with its pincers.  
Was it OK to call someone like that?  
Moreover, why did I usually laugh about it, but I was feeling like that in that moment?  
I tried to brush it off.  
While ready to mount our surfboards, I heard a "cute" exchange between Eric and Heidi.  
"Babe, what would you do if a shark bit me?" asked the object of my desires to his girlfriend.  
"I would save you from it, of course." said Heidi with a hint of playfulness.  
Funny how could someone so thin and frail like her save someone as thick as Eric from a monstrous fish.  
"Even if he bit off my legs?"  
"I would love you anyway."  
"And what if he bit off down from here?" Eric touched his pelvis, suggesting that the shark would dine with his private parts.  
Damn me, I was totally looking at where he had pointed.  
Stan's icy stare warned me that it was showing.  
My eyes shifted to Heidi, who looked very indecisive.  
"I would leave you there." She responded, entertained.  
Eric's eyes widened so much that they had literally turned fully black.  
He scoffed, then his voice produced a childish sound.  
"What? I thought you'd _die _with me, let the shark eat you too."  
The whole thing ended with them kissing and Heidi saying she was joking.  
_I would leave you there. _  
Would Heidi really let a shark make a feast of her boyfriend if his private parts got bitten off?  
They would often allude to the fact that they were, in a way, obsessed with each other's genitalia.  
Not that it was impossible, them being in a relationship, but they would often emphasise their undying love for each other's sex parts.  
Of course, my mind wandered places at the mention of Eric's privates.  
Had I been Heidi, I would have kept Eric, anyway, in any shape or form.  
Surfing had proven itself to be rather difficult and scary.  
I envied the grace that the gay couple in our group displayed when standing of their surfboards, riding the tidal waves.  
Stan seemed to be OK at it, with the occasional fall.  
Eric was good at surfing, too. He had done it a few times, it seemed.  
But then again, there was nothing Eric couldn't do.  
He was good at everything.  
Even at making you feel completely at his mercy, confusing your head so much that you only thought he was the voice of reason.  
I was probably too focused on Eric, the fact that Stan knew, trying to make a sense of those strong feelings towards that guy.  
I just couldn't stop staring at him, at his long, expert legs on the surfboard.  
His concentrated face never failed to attract me, he looked a little angry, yet at peace, as sweat and sea water mixed on his forehead, giving him a strong masculine vibe.  
He knew his way in the water, I had to admit.  
He had been a lifeguard for the South Park pool for a while, so he certainly wasn't afraid of drowning.  
Those stupid waves would engulf me completely, as I was too distracted to even keep my balance on that board.  
My focus just wouldn't shift from Eric.  
I was getting desperate to catch a glimpse of his body, his aura...

Even when we went back to the shore, while everyone else giggled about their fun experience, I was hypnotized by that guy.  
I was getting rather upset that he wasn't giving me his attention.  
He hadn't given me his love or even pulled a prank on me since we had gone to Hawaii.  
His favorite person to tease was turning to be Stan.  
I was furious with jealousy, because he knew he was becoming Eric's favorite and he liked to play with it.  
I went _livid _whenever he would ruffle Stan's hair, making a mess of it.  
Someone else would have probably distracted himself from it and go be cute and silly with another friend, like Heidi, since she was only sunbathing.  
But, to me, only Eric existed in that moment.  
So I had to do something in order to get his attention.  
I pretended to fall on the sand.  
That only managed to make everyone laugh - and get some of the grains of sand all over Heidi's hair.  
That worked, though.

* * *

That night, too tired from all the events of the day, we decided to have a night in in Eric and Heidi's room.  
There was a random flycatcher in that room.  
It didn't belong to them, or any of us.  
It was probably property of someone who had previously resided inside the room.  
A weird thing to bring on vacation.  
That object was rather important, on that night.  
While being physically pushed around from Eric to Kenny to Stan I managed to fall on the floor, headfirst.  
I was laughing because I was finally at the center of attention and I loved it.  
I was getting attacked with a tickle frenzy, so I whimpered and squirmed like a fish on the shore.  
I managed to lie on my stomach - a smart position to avoid getting tickled - but I couldn't foresee what happened next.  
The aforementioned flycatcher somehow managed to get into Eric's grasp and then be brought down right on my left buttcheek, several times.  
I was shocked at the sudden contact.  
He was _spanking _me, just like in my dreams.  
I couldn't believe what was happening. It didn't hurt or anything - for that object wasn't really thick - but it still stung in a delicate way.  
I wanted _more. _I wasn't as desperate as I was in my most personal dreams, but I was truly enjoying it.  
My position prevented everyone in the room from taking a look at my pants and notice my umpteenth erection.  
I had lost count of how many times that had happened, around Eric and his tricks.  
"Ow!" I whimpered, acting like I was in pain.  
I couldn't see Stan's expression, but I was convinced he was either appalled or annoyed.  
It wasn't really my fault that I was turned on by Eric's action, it was that kind of thing that always managed to get me all fired up. Also, his grunts and "You take this, bitch!"didn't really help.  
Heidi must have been bothered by her boyfriend's treatment of my backside, in fact she forcefully removed the object from his hands.  
I craned my neck to the left, slightly, to see what face my best friend was showing.  
She was visibly concerned, her face red.  
"Stop!" she said as she threw the flycatcher as far away from us as possible.  
Eric, on the other hand displayed a satisfied expression with something underneath it that screamed sadism.  
He was smiling wickedly, basically, until his little "toy" was removed from his hand - which turned his smile into a frown.  
"He is going to be _turned on!" _I heard Heidi loudly whisper in her boyfriend's ear.  
She probably didn't intend to have that heard by me, but I couldn't help it.  
Heidi, of course, like the best friend she was, knew of my thing with being dominated.  
So, that was probably a reference to it and she would have been concerned by anyone spanking me.  
I tried to convince myself that it was impossible for her to know.  
She would have asked me about it, Heidi was never one to hide things from anyone - especially me.  
She would have told me, had she had a doubt about it.  
I was a bit more stiff with her for the rest of the night, though.  
I was genuinely afraid of the question.  
I managed to get distracted by my fear by "watching" _Shutter Island_, a film only I and Stan had previously watched.  
I wasn't too thrilled about the movie itself - it was a very deep and, well, slow movie, plus, I had already seen it - I was more into who I was sitting next to.  
The hotel room had a big bed, a sofa and two chairs.  
I was sitting (more like lying) at the far left of the bed, with Eric next to me at the center of it.  
Next to him was Stan, while the gay couple was on the sofa, Heidi on one of the chairs.  
She was holding Kenny's computer on her lap, all concentrated while plugging it to the tv.  
Something about her gave me a negative vibe.  
She looked a bit upset that I was the one next to her boyfriend.  
As if she would have preferred lying on the bed instead of sitting alone at that chair.  
I gulped, nervous.  
She was bothered by it, something that had never happened before.  
Or, at least, something I had never noticed.  
The movie started, but I didn't pay attention to it in the least.  
I was so close to Eric that our legs and arms touched.  
I kept staring at his strong arm, how it felt on my own, how badly I wanted to wrap my arms around it.  
I put myself in a semi fetal position as I slowly, a bit hesitantly, placed my head on his shoulder.

He didn't even turn his head, for he was too concentrated on the movie.  
It was captivating him, I could see.  
I didn't know if I should actually do what I wanted to, I didn't know whether it would be too forward or disrespectful towards Heidi.  
It's just friendly cuddling, I told myself.  
So I did, but I closed my eyes almost immediately after, making it look like I had casually fallen asleep.  
I was shaken furiously not a minute later.  
"Wake up!" Eric screamed loudly.  
Everyone turned their heads to see me.  
The whole group hated when someone fell asleep in the middle of a movie or something, it was just _bad. _  
_"Oops!" _I said, giggling a bit nervously.  
"Sorry."  
I let go of Eric's arm and sat back up, distancing my body from his as much as I could.  
"Could you please move towards the wall?" Stan asked in a dry tone.  
"You are taking a lot of space, making me _squeezed _by Eric! You have literally a meter of space and you put your whole body on the right!"  
Oh, so it was about space.  
I glanced to Eric's legs and noticed that they were in diagonal.  
His upper body was in that position, too, almost as if he was trying to get away from me.  
" Don't blame me, Cartman is the one lying like this! "I said, im my defense, pointing at his irregular pose.  
" Well, I have _Kyle_ next to me, I have to get away from that disgusting jew, right?" He said in a joking tone, but I was sure that there was a bit of truth in it.  
I got really, really sad, so much that I was about to cry.  
Why would Eric be bothered by physical contact with me?  
He had always been very physical with me, why was he so reluctant all of a sudden?  
Something inside me told me he wasn't comfortable around me.  
I kept of looking at him, trying to make a sense of his behaviour, waiting for him to wrap me into a hug and say stuff like "Is my little Kyle ok?" but he didn't.  
No matter how hard I would look at him, his eyes wouldn't meet mine.  
Meanwhile, the movie kept on playing in the background and the lights from the screen illuminated his face, making it more beautiful and enhanced.  
My heart was beating so loud, I was afraid someone could hear it.  
_Is Eric tired of me? _My paranoid brain asked.  
_Oh but I hope not, because he looks so gorgeous... But, no, Kyle, you can't have him. He's Heidi's. _  
I didn't know how long I had been staring at him before he loudly yelled at me to stop looking at him and to focus on the movie.  
I felt all the attention on me, pairs of eyes burning my skin causing it to blister.  
I was terrified at that point. Why did he have to scream it out loud, it was beyond me.  
How could he go from literally spanking me in front of everyone to telling me to stop looking at him?  
And loud enough for everyone, especially his girlfriend, to hear.  
It was obvious in that moment, he had basically outed me.


	11. The Calm Before The Storm

I stared at the TV screen as if my life depended on it.  
No one said anything for a while, apparently ignoring what had happened in front of them.  
I wondered what was going through their minds in those moments, especially Heidi's.  
But I didn't dare look at her.  
The only thing I could see in my field of vision was Eric putting his head on Stan's shoulder.  
My insides rumbled with jealousy, but other than that it was anger.  
Stan knew about my thing with Eric and it really felt like he was either trying to out me or take advantage of it to make me feel bad.  
When the movie ended, we all commented it.  
Everyone was obviously mind blown by it, especially Kenny, who was trying to make a sense of the ending.  
I said some things about it, but the gutted feeling just wouldn't leave me.  
I was so unbelievably upset and I didn't know whether it was Eric, Heidi, Stan or all of it together.

* * *

The day after Stan went to see Wendy.  
I was a bit relieved that he wasn't there to reprimand me on me moving in the bed, but I felt a bit alone.  
I also felt like I needed to talk to him, desperately, about my liking of Eric.  
But he was busy with that girl.  
She was just going to play with his heart again, but then again he never listened to us when we'd tell him about it.  
I spent the day with the others, but given they were two couples I was the third - or rather, the fifth- wheel most of the time.  
Not that I was too able to concentrate on what we were doing, anyway.  
We spent a good few hours talking about Stan, his rudeness around us and his obsession with that soul sucker that Wendy was.  
We spent the day at the pool, trying to forget our frustration with him.  
As much as I had been the victim of Stan's nervous outbursts for about three days, that wasn't the most annoying thing in my mind.  
There was something else bothering me, the pranks.

Usually, the pranks made me laugh a lot - as I was at the center of everyone's attention, especially Eric's - but, lately, they had taken a turn I didn't like.  
Everyone in the group, except me and Stan, was a smoker. Therefore, it wasn't unusual for them to have a lighter on their person, even when at the pool.  
Something that Kenny had started as a joke towards everyone, it had become Eric's favorite prank on me and my most hated one.  
He would turn on said lighter and put the flame close to my body, either on my legs or arms, and it was downright scary.  
It was fine until it didn't touch me at all, but, once it almost burned my bathing suit, that's when I would protest.  
I'd tell them to stop, but they wouldn't.  
No matter how much I loved Eric, that wasn't something I was down with.  
I wasn't that masochistic.  
They stopped for a while to light their cigarettes, but I wasn't totally safe.  
Once he was done smoking it, Kenny threw it on me, almost burning me.  
That was genuinely scary.  
I wondered if that was Ok in a friendship. Or with any relationship, for that matter.  
Then Eric did the same as Kenny, but he actually ended up burning my hand.  
It felt as if a wasp had stung me, so I screamed in pain, some tears of fear coming out, too.  
What the hell was wrong with Eric? The person who would always protect me from the wrongs of this world had actually, willingly, hurt me. And he was _laughing _about it.  
Kenny rolled his eyes at the sight of my tears, together with Eric.  
"God, Kyle, why do you always have to be such a crybaby?" Eric huffed in apparent frustration.  
I said nothing. I couldn't believe someone I loved so much would actually do that to me.  
I ended up ignoring everyone for a little while.  
When I was ready to apologize (because, in my twisted, abused mind I was the one who had to say sorry for being an apparent pain in the ass), that's when they gave me the silent treatment.  
Even Heidi did.  
They literally ignored my existence for hours.  
Only when we were already back into the hotel, chilling in the gay couple's room, they spoke to me again.  
It was Heidi who said something first, finally breaking the agonizing silence.  
"Kyle, why don't you understand that Eric shows his affection by pulling pranks? He does it with me, too."  
"But he _burnt my hand!" _I said, showing her my now blistered limb.  
"That was wrong, I told him that." she said, shooting a sharp look at her boyfriend. "But you have been very...  
annoying lately. Like, so much that we can't even joke anymore. Really, what the hell is going on with you?"  
_If only I could tell __yo_u, I thought, unable to ingnore that feeling in my gut that was making me rather sick.  
Now, it wasn't only Eric, it was also the pranks that were too bad.  
Had they always been so extreme?  
"I told you, my parents." I murmured, looking down.  
She rolled her eyes. "Kyle, look. Your parents aren't here, we are. And we love you, so don't worry."  
She then wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a warm and soothing hug. That was exactly what I needed. Heidi's friendly, welcoming arms, almost those of a sister, holding me close to her.

* * *

When Stan came back from his" rendezvous " with Wendy, he was rather _giddy. _He kept going on about how amazing it had been and how happy he was that they were back together.  
He also apologized to us for being a total dick for the past few days and, of course, we accepted it.  
That night we had planned going to a fancy dinner with Butters' uncle, which he would kindly offer us.  
So, that gave me the chance to be alone with Stan for a good half an hour while getting ready in our room. After hearing (and cringing) about how great Wendy had been to him, how she had given him an enormous hickey on his neck, which I was trying to unsee, I told him that my feelings for Eric were, as he had suggested, admiration.  
He looked rather unconvinced.  
"Are you completely sure?" he asked, while briefly looking up from his phone. "Because I see you stare at him sometimes."  
_Stare at him sometimes. _Not a lie.  
"Yeah, but picture this : you have, I don't know, Selena Gomez as one of your best friends. Wouldn't you stare at her, once in a while?" I said, trying to get him to understand me.  
Stan's eyes widened with something I couldn't quite put my finger on what it could be.  
Was he creeped out?  
" Kyle, I told you. Be careful, ok? I hope what you're telling me is the truth. I'm not saying anything to anyone, but try being truthful to yourself."

* * *

Butters' uncle brought us to a very beautiful restaurant, which happened to be located on a beach.  
It was really Hawaiian, if I had to describe it.  
The view from the top floor, where we were seated, was mesmerising.  
It was a combination of sunset, sand and sea, all together forming a color palette that the eye couldn't ignore.  
Happiness took over me as I felt the cool breeze hit my naked shoulders and the smell of the ocean invade my nostrils.  
Summer nights were definitely my favorite thing in places that had the seaside.  
South Park's ones were very disappointing and quite cold.  
My good mood was a bit ruined, though, once I remembered the pranks and my feelings for Eric.  
I had to something about it.  
It was decided; I was going to tell Eric, once and for all.  
He had said it, he would be Ok with it, so why not let him in on it?  
It would explain my rotten mood that had lasted all week long, if anything.  
As for the pranks, well, it was clear they were not going to stop. I just had to accept them like I had always had.  
My stomach was so twisted that I ended up leaving half of my food on my plate.  
I drank quite a bit of white wine - Uncle Bud wouldn't stop refilling my glass.  
Making conversation with him was so much easier with alcohol in my system, it had definitely given me that boost of confidence to talk to him without being shy.  
I was sitting between him and Heidi, while Eric was sitting next to, you guessed it, Stan, while still being in front of his girlfriend.  
I admit I used Butters' uncle to distract myself from being annoyed by Eric and Stan's... Cuteness.  
They were laughing and playing with snapchat filters. Eric seemed to be a bit irritated with my drinking, since I was already on my fourth round, so he basically ignored me and made it worse by showing me that he loved to be funny with Stan, all while I was sad because I had disappointed him.  
But that wasn't going to spoil my plan, he was going to know everything.  
I noticed my leg was shaking uncontrollably under the table.  
I was extremely nervous, to say the least.  
I was genuinely terrified, but the amount of wine in my body seemed to give that bit of courage I needed.  
So, I excused myself to go to the toilet, but it wasn't where I ended up going.  
I went outside and I walked closer to the shore, then I sat on the sand.  
I took a deep breath and, with shaky hands, I texted Eric.  
_Can you come outside? I need to tell you something I feel like telling you only. _  
Two minutes later, he was there, sitting next to me on the sand.  
He looked a bit angry with me. His arms were crossed and he wasn't looking at me.  
"So, you came." I said, looking at him from the corner of my eye.  
"Yeah, I did. Be quick." He said, his tone apathetic.  
"So... You probably noticed that, um, I've been quite... _Naggin_g." I took a deep breath. _It's happening. _  
I turned around, eager to catch his gaze.  
I had never been so anxious in my life before. The saliva in my mouth had completely dried up, I could hear a ringing in my ear and my heart was going crazy.  
The alcohol was beginning to make my head spin a little.  
Eric finally looked at me, but he didn't look happy. "Well, yeah. Frankly, I have had it with your behavior. You can't even take a joke anymore." he said, still visibly annoyed.  
"... Well, I'm here to explain why I've been acting like that." I said pretty quietly.  
Something in Eric's eyes changed, he was curious to know what had been going on recently, but he didn't say anything.  
" So... This is hard to say." I said, trembling, keeping my eyes away from his face.  
I just couldn't look at him without freaking out.  
Also, because I had the urge to kiss him then and there. It would have been an easy explanation, but I couldn't do that to Heidi.  
"Be honest with me." he said, in a way that was a bit reassuring, but he would still keep his arms crossed.  
"Do you... Remember our talk in the car?" I asked, while dying inside.  
I was pretty sure I would faint at any given moment.  
"Which one? You need to be more specific." he responded in confusion.  
So I explained to him what I was talking about. That famous night in which he subtly told me he knew about my feelings for him.  
"Remember? You thought I liked you."  
Silence. I could feel a bit of embarrassment had formed between us.  
"Well, I don't know what to say." He said after a few minutes. "It's like I told you I liked you."  
That's when anxiety rose to an alarming level.  
Don'_t lose composure, _I thought to myself.  
Nothing came out of my mouth.  
He spoke again. "Kyle, I don't think I'd be the right boyfriend for you. I mean, I'm _straight _and, besides, I'm already bought."  
"But I don't... I don't like you, Eric. I mean, I thought I did... But I told Stan and we both came to the conclusion that it is admiration, instead."  
I don't know how I was able to form that sentence, but I did, miraculously.  
That wasn't 100% the truth, though.  
" Oh, well, I can say that I feel... A bit flattered, if anything. I can also say that I understand you, really, as I'm aware of my... Good looks."  
Typical of Eric. His narcissism was showing again.  
"Now, can we go back inside? I'm starting to get cold." he said, getting up.  
Cold? We weren't really _indoors _in the restaurant.  
"No, wait!" I tugged at his pants to tell him to sit back down.  
He did, but he didn't look eager to keep talking.  
Was _Eric Cartman_ really awkward?  
"It can be easy to mistake it for... Um... Being in love..." I said, avoiding eye contact. "But, I mean, Stan said it's just that I have an adoration for you, which I think is the best explaination for my confused feelings."  
Eric sighed loudly.  
"Well, Kyle. As long as you accept that I will never be with you and that I, well, will always be your best friend's boyfriend, I don't have a problem with it.  
I just need you to understand that."  
"I do. Are you sure there's nothing wrong with it? Because I was scared that you would run away." I said, feeling relieved, laughing a little.  
Eric smiled widely, with that sweet smile he would show me once in a while, usually after making up following a disagreement.  
" Of course I won't run away from you, silly." He said in his cute tone.  
I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't help feeling like I had gotten rid of an enormous burden.  
We then got up, hugged and came back into the restaurant, joking and laughing as if nothing had happened.  
Little did I know what I had just done...


	12. The Day Of The Reckoning

I woke up pretty late that Tuesday morning. I was feeling great, honestly, after confessing my feelings for Eric and receiving a positive response to it, I just couldn't believe it.

After years of keeping it a secret and holding it in, I had finally ridden myself of that burden and I couldn't be happier.

Finally, I had nothing to hide.

However, I was never a lucky guy, so something was beginning to make me feel worried.

I took my phone and checked the time, It was noon and no one had written anything in the group chat, yet. I thought back of what Stan had told me when we went back to our room, that Heidi was going to learn all about my feelings for Eric. Why would that have been a problem? After all, what I had said to Eric was "I admire you.", so, even if Heidi had learned about it, I didn't think it would create a catastrophe.

I turned in the bed and looked at Stan, who was still asleep. "Dude," I said, shaking him a little to wake him up. "It's noon! No one is up yet!"

Turns out, Stan was already awake and on the phone. "I know, they're probably sleeping, still. Lay back down, Kyle." he responded with a groan. He was totally chatting with Wendy, I could tell.

Sighing, I turned around again and faced the wall. I was starting to get agitated, as it wasn't like our friends to completely go blank when we had plans, especially on our last full day on the island.

They could have been still asleep, but it was fishy because throughout all of our vacation we had always woken up before 10 am and had gathered together by only an hour later.

I wondered how could Stan be so calm about it, he was probably too fixated on his precious little _"girlfriend"_ to give it a thought.

As much as I tried, I couldn't go back to sleep. I was hungry, nervous and ready to face the day.

Then, Stan said something that made me freeze in my tracks.

"Kyle, look! I can't see Heidi or Eric's last seen on Whatsapp!"

That was totally weird and out of character for them. For Heidi, at least.

My hands began to tremble and my heartbeat was so fast I thought my chest was going to explode.

Oh God, what the hell had happened?

"Oh, that is unlikely... I wonder why." I said, trying to sound as calm as possible. "What if... Heidi's parents did something ? What if she and Eric had a fight or something? Oh God - what if Heidi misunderstood what I told Eric and freaked out?"

Panic came over me faster than I expected, and I couldn't really breathe right. I was about to have an anxiety attack, I had to try and calm down.

It had happened before, the silence, usually after the couple got into huge fights.

Kenny and Butters were M. I. A. as well, and that was even more worrying.

"I don't know and that's not my problem. Give them space, they'll let us in on it soon." Stan said, dryly.

Sometimes, his being rational was extremely irritating. God damn it, _your friends _are acting weird and you are chill about it? What was wrong with him?

I wondered if he would still be this careless if something serious had happened.

"Should we go check on them in their room?" I asked while sitting up on the bed.

"No, don't. It's best if we wait for them to come to us."

Oh for goodness sake. I had to do something to get my mind off of it, but I definitely couldn't sleep.

I got up and went to the bathroom, trying to collect myself.

Something was telling me that I had screwed up big time. Damn me and my naivety.

I spent minutes there, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened to my friends.

I heard the _"ding" _from my phone, indicating to me that I had just received a message.

I rushed back out to the bedroom and I took the phone in my hand, shaking.

_Butters: Hi guys, it's pretty late for the beach today. Kenny and I are so tired, it's best if we meet for lunch in two hours._

I wasn't reassured, not one bit. Butters _knew_ something, I was certain.

Stan was nonchalantly getting ready for the day, his indie music playing from his phone while he sang along.

Once again, he made me want to smash his head in for how angry he was making me.

"Seriously dude, how can you be this calm? Your friends could be_ dead_ for all you know!"

I finally spat. I noticed my voice was trembling, too.

Stan didn't even turn around, he stood there while brushing his hair. "They're not dead, I just think they're solving an issue. Let them be, Kyle, and get ready." He scolded.

I decided I would get ready too, so I did. I got out of my pajamas and went to the bathroom to change into my bathing suit - assuming we would go the beach after lunch - and put on my Hawaiian shirt I had bought the day before.

I had brought my phone with me, so I decided to text "Are you guys Ok?" in the group chat, mentioning Heidi and Eric.

"You shouldn't have asked!" I heard my roommate's voice shout out from the other room.

It didn't matter, though, because no one was responding, even if both Eric and Heidi had seen the message.

Two hours later, it was 2 pm, and still nothing, news blackout.

I was pacing around the room, trying not to bite my nails.

"I have to go in the hall." said Stan, showing me his phone. "I have to call Wendy, I'd rather do it away from you, if you don't mind."

That said, he left the room without even taking his backpack.

I was alone, going mad from the wait. It was pure agony, I had to admit.

To stop myself from trembling, I went back into the bed and covered myself with blankets.

I was about to fall back asleep when, two hours later, I got a text from Stan that said "Take my backpack, leave the hotel. Make a right, then another right and you see me."

Random, I thought. But then, suddenly, it hit me.

He had not gone out to talk to Wendy, he was with everyone else, talking about me.

It wasn't hard to guess. I wanted to make myself believe that, no, it was impossible that they had met without me, but I braced myself to the possibility.

Stan's second text saying "Do as I say." hurried me to leave the building.

I took a deep breath, put his backpack on and went outside.

I froze when I saw everyone, including Stan, sitting on a bench.

"What happened? Why are you all together?" I asked, confused.

I walked up to Stan and gave him his bag, then Heidi stood up. "Follow me." She said sternly, concealing all of her emotions.

I knew what was coming. We walked away from the rest of the group and it began.  
"You thought Eric wouldn't tell me?" She asked, her face reddened by what looked like anger. She was constantly glancing at her boyfriend, then looking at me again.

She was nervous, I could tell from her fidgeting with her fingers.

"Oh, well, yeah but-" I stuttered, not looking into her eyes, my mouth becoming dry.

"You have feelings for him, you told him." She said, her tone cold.  
"I thought I did but I admire him. It's a conclusion I came to after months of wondering. And besides, why would I say you're my favorite out of everyone else if I had a crush on him?" I said defensively.  
It was clear there had been a misunderstanding there. What was there to condemn about thinking a lot of someone? True, what I had felt for Eric was something greater than that, but now that it had been established that it had been admiration all along, I couldn't see why Heidi was in so much distress.

"He said you find him hot." She continued, not dropping her coldness. I had never seen Heidi that upset.  
It took me back to Eric and I's car talk, when he said she would be extremely distraught if I ever happened to like him.

"No I said I admire him, I swear to you." I pleaded, my voice becoming more desperate as time went on.

"You're lying. I can spot a liar when I see one, you forgot about the body language lessons I'm taking?" she spat, her voice rising by the second. "Honestly, I don't care about our friendship anymore, I just want to hear you say it."

She laughed a bit, out of frustration. Her stare on me, I could feel it burn through the layers of my clothes and skin combined. The tension was becoming hard to handle.

"The only reason Eric had a good reaction was because it was _fake. _You had taken him by surprise. He told me it was the first time in his life in which he didn't know what to say. Plus, he didn't want to ruin the rest of the night. How could you go back into the restaurant and laugh with me like nothing had happened? After you called him hot." She went on and I could see that she was fighting back tears.

"I never said to him I find him hot, what the hell!" I almost shouted. Yeah, I had probably been lying in that moment, in a desperate attempt to save our friendship, but I had not said that to Eric.

"You want to go back to the bench, so we can ask Eric for confirmation?"

So we did, we walked back to where everyone was sitting - they had been witnessing the whole situation unravel before their eyes.

Heidi was walking rather furiously.

Once we got there, Eric was the one to get up and I was strangely scared of him.

"I never said I find you hot, Eric." I said, trying to look into his eyes without feeling attracted to him.

"It's not what you said that counts, but what you were thinking. Your body language betrayed you, Kyle." He said in a way that made me feel a bit of a hatred for him. How could he pretend like he was Ok with me liking him, pushing me to say it, provoking me hard enough to expect me to sexually react to it and then be like that?

"Besides," Butters added, making it our first interaction of the day. "we all knew you had a thing for him, so we're not surprised."

Oh, hell. Then, all of my tactics to hide it had been useless? The foundation, looking at random guys in the streets, acting like who I liked was Craig... All this time, they were aware of it?

That had been the elephant in the room for years and no one had ever said anything.

Then, I was right, Heidi had noticed. It had seemed impossible for me to think that she had been oblivious about it all along, given she knew me so well.

Apparently, I was the one who didn't know them.

"What?" I asked, my eyes widened, scanning through the group to see if anyone was as shocked as I was, but they all had a straight face.

"It was obvious," Heidi chimed in, sighing. "The way you looked at him, the fact that you were so incredibly clingy with him... you always wanted to sit next to him, to be the center of his attention... your clothes even smelled like his, for God's sake."

Gosh, even the softener thing was known.

I swallowed hard. I projected my attention onto Stan, who had obviously spilled the beans on what I had told him a week before.

"I told them everything." He said, confirming my doubts. "I hadn't noticed before, but, after you told me, it was like I had been awakened. You were constantly looking at him with hungry eyes, Kyle."

I didn't know what to say, honestly. I was at a loss for words. I had trusted Stan with it, and he had blabbed out about it like it was nothing.

"You were the one who said to me it was only admiration, fuck!"I yelled at him, I was starting to lose it.

"But it's because I hadn't observed you thoroughly." He replied, putting his hands before him as if to say 'I was simply blind'.

"I said it to Eric, too, because I had noticed you were checking him out sometimes, but I thought it was just my paranoia. He said you were only curious, but now I know. You are fake because you said you wanted us together, when it's clear you want us to break up. You were only using me to get to Eric, uh?" Heidi roared.

"What? No!" I yelled, trying to get a hold of her hands, but she just wouldn't let me. "I truly loved you, Heidi! I always considered you my best friend here! You know me, I NEVER would have made out with Eric or touched him, for respect."

"If you had kissed me, I would have ripped your head open!" Eric shouted in the loudest way I had ever heard him speak. He was furious, even more than the time I had messaged Clyde.

Funny because he had forgotten to mention everything he did to turn me on, even in front of his girlfriend. Our almost-kiss in the toilet, his indecent proposals... But then again, no one would have believed me if I had accused him of all those 'crimes'.

Then, something really frightening happened. Eric, who was double my size, both in weight and in height, invaded my space. He got up in my face, I instantly took a step back in fear. I was afraid he would really hit me.

"What kind of a two-faced bitch were you every night with Heidi, when I was at work? All that time you spent together... It's beyond me. You disrespected her, you betrayed her and backstabbed us. We don't trust you anymore, so everything you say is lies to us."

He yelled even louder than before. He then moved away from me, shaking from the high amout of anger, which, to me, looked a bit fake.

I had kept it a secret from Heidi, but I never used her for Eric, on the contrary, I was always filled with guilt when I thought of Eric that way.

"Backstabbed you? How?" I asked in complete confusion. What kind of _betrayal _had I committed against Eric? Having thoughts about him? If that was a crime, then I wondered what they thought of a murderer.

"Because you LIED to us for years!" Eric responded.

That had been more a secret than lies, I had just omitted an aspect about myself, not lied about all that I was.

"Please guys, listen to me. I still need your friendship! We created something so beautiful and I couldn't be open about it! I would have ruined everything and hurt Heidi!"I basically begged. Not on my knees, but I was close to it.

That's when Heidi said the most painful thing I had ever heard her say.

"You already ruined everything, by putting yourself between us." She pointed to her and Eric, who was still shaking.

"I am scared of you, now!" The big guy said, trying to stand as far away from me as possible. "We know what turns you on!"

Oh, he surely knew, given he would ask me if I was turned on after he did what he did.

But that didn't mean I would have taken actions about it, or that I would spend my entire days fantasizing about him. It was something different, I was in love with him, it was a lot deeper than just thinking of us whipping each other.

But I supposed I couldn't get him to change his mind about it, not when five people were against me.  
And besides, that time I had told them I had doubts about Craig, Kenny had said that I was just confusing a great amount of happiness with friends for something more.  
I told them that, but Kenny didn't say anything. He really didn't want to go against Eric, none of them did.  
I was slowly realizing that we were all under his regime, somehow.  
Eric was the "king" of the monarchy that our group was. No one dared disobey his orders, so it wasn't just me.  
But I had been the one to fall headfirst into his sexual, protective, violent and affectionate persona.

For what felt like forever, all types of insults were thrown my way.

Everyone had changed their minds about me and they were all completely disgusted by what I had done, I had hurt Heidi, deeply. And not just her, I had hurt everyone, simply by hiding a feeling.

She continued to plead that she wanted me to say every little detail about what I felt for Eric.

I wasn't sure that would be best for her, but she was insisting about it.

"So you liked it when, with some pranks, he _dominated_ you?"  
_Dominated you. _She had let her boyfriend dominate me, a guy who wants to be dominated, who she had the suspect of being into him, and was attracted to boys...  
She had witnessed his game right before her eyes and had done nothing to stop him.  
I wondered how she could.  
Thinking about it, I remembered that time when Eric had spanked me with that fly catcher and she had stopped him.  
So she had a bit of self respect.  
I didn't respond to that, Stan did.  
"Of course he did, the body reacts to what turns it on." he said, shrugging.  
My silence confirmed his words.  
It was, basically, the only thing that would turn me on, on a daily basis.  
"Silence is approval." Heidi said with a sigh.  
In the meantime, Eric had sat back down and put a towel all over his body to stop himself from shivering.  
"Good, babe, cover yourself. I don't want him to have more material for his fantasies." Heidi said with a hint of bitter sarcasm. "Not that you didn't have anything to think about before, since he always walks around with his balls out, basically."  
True, he had a thing for walking around with extremely short shorts, keeping his legs open (so much that Heidi would tell him to close them, sometimes.)... A way to have all attention on him, as he was obsessed with himself, getting attention and being stared at.  
Again, I didn't say anything.  
"Was I good in bed in your dreams, at least?" Eric demanded.  
Oh God , are those questions you ask in a moment like that? But then again, we're talking about the guy who asks if he makes your panties wet.  
"What? That's not an appropriate question!" I said, a bit offended.  
I was already caught in the crossfire and he didn't really help.  
I was starting to get angry. Or rather, extremely frustrated.  
"Eric, please. I don't want you to give him an erection, since it would be the millionth time he has one in your presence." His girlfriend said in response to his 'joke'.  
Was there something they didn't know? Well, the tables were turning pretty fast.  
We had all been lying, then.  
I felt so stupid in that moment.  
How could they be aware of it and act like nothing happened while I was there, trying to find elaborate ways to hide my arousal?  
"That is not gonna happen."I responded.  
" Anyway, " Stan began "The most obvious moment in which we all looked at each other because we _knew _was a few days ago, when we were in his and Heidi's room on their bed, watching _Shutter Island. _"  
To demonstrate his words, he did exactly what I did that night.  
"You were lying next to him, like this."  
He put his head on Eric's shoulder, wrapped his arms around Eric's arm, then he turned around to put his legs on the bench, mimicking a fetal position.  
I remembered that, I had not payed attention to the movie, at all. All I was interested in was Eric, the fact that I was cuddled up to him...  
Damn my stupidity.  
How could I think no one would have noticed?  
"Yeah, I confirm that." Kenny added.  
"But I asked you if me lying next to you was fine and you said it was!" I said in my defense, in Eric's direction.  
I hated that he was covering his face with that stupid towel.  
He was turning into a scaredy cat, which wasn't in his nature.  
"Well, because it really was, but the thing is you were only happy if you were sitting or lying or standing next to me." He said, his voice a bit muffled.  
"Yeah," Heidi continued "I mean, sometimes I sit next to Stan or Butters... And I'm happy in the same way. You were visibly upset when you weren't next to him."  
I nodded my head, yes. That wasn't a lie. If I had to sit next to someone else, even in class, I just wasn't at peace, because I had an obsession for Eric and I needed him close at all times.  
"This was bound to happen, anyway. Maybe in five years, a month... You were simply stalling." Stan exclaimed.  
Again, if they all knew, why had they never confronted me about it?  
They were just denying the evidence.  
I wondered how many times they had gone out without me, maybe on those double dates, and talked about the issue.  
_What if Kyle is into Eric? _  
I could picture them having that debate, with Heidi saying that it was impossible, Eric saying that it was 'curiosity " and everyone else trying to bring them down to Earth.  
"So, tell me, Kyle... Are you in love with him?" Heidi asked, and I could see she was really tired.  
After hours of trying to get me to say things I didn't want to say, exposing myself completely.  
"I don't know..."I said quietly.  
"You are. The room lights up when he comes in, you are excited when around him, you laugh at everything he says... That is love, trust me, I know. I feel that way about Eric, too. That's why on some nights, when it was the two of us, you were so sad and then when he facetimed us you were much more content. "  
Heidi smiled, but she wasn't happy about what she was saying. She sighed, deeply.  
"Yes, then. But I couldn't really control my feelings." I sighed, too, feeling like the tension was dying out, a little.  
Heidi and Eric exchanged a look.  
"You see? I told you." the girl said, letting me know that she had talked about it with her boyfriend. Then her attention fell back on me.  
"Since when have you been hiding these feelings?"  
"I guess, over a year..." I said, pensive. The time I really got convinced of being into him was New Year's Eve of 2018, when we spent a week together in NYC and Eric had begun hitting me on my legs and, instead of moving them away from him, I brought them closer to his hands.  
" No, that's not true." Heidi said, bitterly. "Tell me the truth."  
I began thinking about it.  
Well, pretty early on, but it had developed into need and obsession much later.  
"Summer of 2017?" When I pretended to drown so that he would save me, since he had studied how to be a lifeguard. I had done it so he would put me all over his body to take me back to the shore.  
"Wrong answer, that happened three years ago right? Back in 2017, when you revealed that you had found him attractive for a day, I knew that couldn't be true and that you were still attracted to him, but I let that thought go. Now, I'm sure about it.  
What you should have done, when you started feeling drawn to him, was leave. Before starting a friendship with us."  
Why would I have thrown away the best friendship of my life for those feelings which weren't really defined, anyway?  
"Just, why did you think it was a good idea to reveal it to me?" Eric's voice boomed from the bench.  
"Well, because that one time, at his house, you and Stan had a conversation about it. Stan said that if I had a crush on him, he would cut me out. While you said you wouldn't cut someone out just because of it, that you would love them anyway." I said.  
I remembered that talk pretty vividly, so.  
"Yeah, but hypothesizing that I was single. You didn't think you could hurt Heidi. Then, if you remember, I said they shouldn't see me in _that wa_y, which you do."  
That's when I realized I had been played. He wanted me to come clean about it, because he wanted to end up clean and innocent, when he was the one to provoke me with all his tricks.  
I was at a loss for words.  
"Just so you know, friendships with unrequited love exist. And I want to keep this one." I said, defending myself.  
"Where? In movies, you mean? Kyle, love triangles don't exist. Something like this can't coexist. It's either me or you he can be with." said Heidi.  
"Besides, what kind of friendship do you wish to have, with Heidi having to be attentive all the time, not calm and with a radar, making sure you won't sleep with her boyfriend?"  
Stan added. I really, really wanted to punch him in that moment.  
Now, it was clear that Heidi had trust issues, not only about me, but about Eric, too.  
If she had trusted him completely, she surely wouldn't have been worried about him sleeping with me.  
"And anyway," Butters spoke after being quiet for a while. "The things we did to you, our pranks were extreme sometimes. We did it so you would react but you let us do anything to you, like draw dicks all over you."  
"Well, yeah, your pranks were awful sometimes, but I thought they were ways to tell me you loved me." I said, shrugging my shoulders, although I was a bit creeped out by it.  
"He didn't react because he's afraid to lose people, but that's exactly what makes him lose them in the first place. You were always obeying us, even doing the most extreme things - like kissing that random guy that time. Personally, I was getting tired of it. Didn't you see that I never wanted to go out with you only? I was bored with you. Our friendship just wasn't the same, there wasn't an exchange."said Stan.  
That caught me off guard. After everything I had done for him, helping him with Wendy, paying for hotel room myself... It was beyond me how he could hide those things from me all that time.  
" What? Why didn't you ever tell me? Whenever I confronted you about it, you said it was because you had to study!"I yelled, outraged.  
"He's right, you made a mistake." Heidi said, coming in my defence for the first time since the shitstorm had begun.  
"Oh fuck, stop getting the attention all over yourself! You only ever listen when it's about you." Eric let out, enraged.  
"Well, then, tell me about how _you feel." _I replied.  
"You did it again!" Everyone said in unison. "When will you stop blindly obeying us?"  
Those people were confusing, not gonna lie.  
They didn't want me to obey their advice, yet they got angry if I didn't?

"Well, I want to know how many times you thought of Eric, now. Honestly, I want this moment to end. I don't care about you anymore, I just want to hear you say it, I repeat." Heidi had said that before, that the friendship had ended, but I just didn't believe her words. I thought she was lying, because you don't just throw away a friendship like ours for something like that.  
If I had actually slept with Eric, then she might have been right.  
"Many times." I said quietly.  
"I didn't quite catch that." Heidi said, looking more serious than ever.  
"Just say it, please." said Eric, now convulsing. He was shaking so hard that it looked like he had a fever.  
Seeing him like that made me feel really bad.  
"I just want to go to bed, I can't believe this is happening."

"Many times." I repeated, louder this time.  
That said, Heidi ran away without saying a word.  
"Babe!" Eric shouted at her, getting up from the bench.  
Before following her, he turned around to look at me.  
His stare was cold as ice, painfully freezing my whole body.  
"Now, you go back to your room and think about what you've just lost. Make it a life lesson, for a next friendship. This is the worst mistake you have EVER made!" He screamed so loudly that his echo could be heard from miles away.  
"Thank you, Kyle!"  
I watched, frozen, as he bowed down to me, indicating that the curtain was down and the show I had put on was finally over.  
Then, he ran after his girlfriend, calling for her as he did so.  
Seeing them walk away from me, the most important people of my life, after I had hurt them like that, merely by concealing my obsession for one of them, was extremely painful.


	13. It's All Ending

I was too shocked to cry, all I could hear in my head were explosions and white noise.  
_This isn't real,_ I kept repeating to myself.  
My head was throbbing, my stomach was twisted and I felt like vomiting right then and there.  
I didn't know whether to call for them, but I felt it would all be useless.  
I slowly turned around to look at the remaining people.  
They were all pretty shaken.  
I sat on the bench, as I was starting to lose my balance.  
After minutes of silence, Kenny spoke again.  
"Last night, once we said goodbye to each other, Heidi suddenly called Butters and I and asked us to meet by the pool. We did, that's why they had removed their access on WhatsApp. They didn't want you to know..."  
Things were finally starting to make sense.  
All of that had happened when I was in bed, after Eric had had that fake ass reaction to my open-hearted talk.  
Thank God I was sitting down .  
"We were worried about it, because Heidi was sobbing so hard that she couldn't even bring herself to speak." Butters continued. "I thought someone had died for how destroyed she was. Then, when she calmed down, we talked about what had just happened. You had confessed your feelings to Eric and we just couldn't believe it. The rest, you know."  
"Oh, God. I really didn't think she would be this hurt..." I said, feeling worse than ever. The image of Heidi crying like that was just too much to handle.  
My whole body shook as I burst into a violent sob.  
Slowly, I was realising the gravity of the situation. I had just lost my best friends, after all those years.  
I had been awful to them and I couldn't help getting drenched in guilt.

"Kyle..." said Kenny, putting a hand on my shoulder. I could see he was feeling really sorry for me.  
"Calm down."  
"I can't! I HURT THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE! MY LIFE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE NOW." I said in between convulsions, now screaming from the great amount of agonising pain I was going through.  
I couldn't believe that was happening to me, to us.  
"You will find other people, I know you will!" Butters said, in that sweet tone that was so typical of him. He was feeling bad for me, too.  
"No, I won't!" I cried out. I took my head in my hands as the sobbing turned into a full on anxiety attack.  
"I can't live without them! They were the only things that kept me alive!"  
"No, that's not true and you know." he said, trying to reassure me.  
But nothing could.  
"And what about you guys? Am I ever seeing you again?" I asked, in hope that I could at least count on them.  
"Well, we were friends because of Eric and Heidi. Without them... I don't think we can." said Kenny.  
I was crying uncontrollably at that point and I was doubled over in pain.

"I'm asking you please," said Stan, finally breaking his silence. "Don't do anything stupid to yourself."  
I had never cut myself in my life before, but all I wanted to do was die.  
So, I told him I couldn't promise him that.  
I grabbed my phone to check the whatsapp group, hoping Heidi and Eric hadn't left it, but they had.  
That was it, I couldn't stay there on that bench with people who were feeling nothing but pity for me, who had lost all kinds of affection for me.  
So, I ran back to the hotel, leaving them there.  
Thank heavens I had the room key.  
All I wanted to do was sleep and try to forget what had just happened.  
Wake up from the nightmare I was living.

As I got into the room, the first thing I did was get into bed, I was shivering so violently that my whole body ached.  
Putting blankets on myself, I felt slightly better.  
I checked my phone again, nothing was happening.  
I had to change the lockscreen, since it was a picture of all six of us at the beach.  
I did and I replaced it with a picture of me and Ike, then I threw it away from me and continued crying.  
I was exhausted from all those emotions, but I just couldn't calm down.  
I was numb, completely paralyzed.  
I had never thought I would have caused this much pain to someone, enough to lose them all so suddenly.  
With them, my life had a meaning. It made sense because I had people to love me, who I loved back, deeply.  
It was still hard for me to process the whole thing.  
They said I'd betrayed them in the worst way, by developing these feelings for Eric.  
The mistake was refusing to admit it to myself and them.  
Technically, I had admitted it to myself, but I was too blinded by the attraction, the dependance, the obsession.  
They were done with me. And I was done with life.  
I wanted death to take over me slowly, by starving my body and ridding it of life.  
Ever so sweetly, where nothing existed and my memories were dead.  
For I had lost everything that was ever important to me.  
Being told by people who I'd always had an admiration for that I was nothing to them, only hours after considering me their closest friend, was though.  
Not only for me, because the hardest part of it was knowing, living with the knowledge that I had caused them excruciating pain.  
I had crushed their hearts completely, because I hadn't been honest to them and they'd lost trust in me.  
All these years spent happy, carefree and feeling loved, receiving affection...  
How could I do this? How could I think that it wouldn't have ruined anything by saying it out loud?  
Part of me wished I had kept it buried inside me forever, that I would have died with it.  
Now, nothing else mattered. What we had was sick, I was so attached to them that I considered them my all.  
Now I had to go on. But how? How does someone keep living like this?  
After they threw away their life like this.  
I was thinking of getting into drugs.  
Or alcohol, or whatever could keep me numb.  
I didn't want to think anymore.  
I wanted death, so badly.  
I wanted it over.  
I felt like my family had been torn apart.  
By none other than me.  
But the worst had yet to come.

* * *

I had fallen asleep for only a few hours, my body was too stressed to fall into the depths of slumber.

So, it was easy for me to hear that Stan was knocking on the door of our room, asking me to let him in.

It was about 2 am. I got up slowly from the bed, feeling like a zombie and I went to open the door.

He entered, locking the door behind him.

For a couple of minutes, we stared at each other, nothing coming out of our mouths, until I asked him how things were.

"Just like before, Kyle. Heidi and Eric didn't come out of their room, but we called them... They're both hurting quite a lot."  
Then, he told me that he and the gay couple ate hot dogs and then spent the rest of the night talking about the whole thing.  
No one could believe it.  
Not even I could.  
" Oh and by the way, it's best if you take a different coach than ours to get to the airport. And I also think you should tell your parents to stop hanging out with mine. I want them out of this."  
He said, breaking my heart further.  
I nodded, spent. I doubted saying anything else would have changed a thing.  
" I won't be sleeping here, in the bed with you. I'm going on the sofa. "

When the lights were down, that's when it started to feel real.  
Like, I was actually living that awful moment.  
I stared at the ceiling, unable to process a thought that could make me smile.  
I didn't know how to smile anymore.  
I ended up staying up all night.  
How could I be so stupid? Telling Eric about it, falling for his bait...  
How could I let myself be fooled enough to believe that saying that out loud would have made things better?  
I should have kept it to myself, like I had done all those years.  
If only Eric and I had not had that talk in his car...  
That was fate, the truth would have come out one way or another.  
It was pretty cruel to be my destiny, honestly, but I thought I deserved everything that was going down.  
I had lost the willing to live and I didn't know if I would have ever gained it back.  
The morning after, Stan woke me up.  
He already had his luggage ready, his backpack on.  
He gave me a look full of pity.  
"I want you to know, even if our friendship had gone cold, that there were good times. I will always cherish them, and so will everyone else. Goodbye. "  
He said, and I could see he was swallowing a lump in his throat.  
I lost it. I fell into a vortex of sobs again.  
I couldn't say anything, for I was crying too much.  
That's the worst part of breaking up with someone, no matter what relationship you have with them.  
When they leave, but they tell you that they'll remember you.  
I managed to say a very tearful "bye."  
And then he was gone, everything that had ever made me happy left with him.  
I had lost a part of myself, forever.

Hours later I found myself on a taxi, lonely and drowning in my sorrow.  
The taxi driver asked me if I was ok, but I didn't respond to that.  
Human interaction just wasn't going to happen in that moment.  
Then he started the car and I spent the whole time looking outside of the window, watching as we passed trees, clouds, cars and birds.  
I wondered what it would feel like to be a bird, to fly free and not have to worry about having feelings for your best friend's boyfriend.  
Or anyone, ever.  
I had gotten to the conclusion that everything hurt and happiness was nothing but a perfect illusion created by someone who was incredibly mean.  
On that hellish day, it wasn't only me leaving that island, it was my soul leaving my body, making me but a shell of a person.

_**Two Months Later**_  
I trotted through the Denver Airport, earphones in my ears, listening to empowering music.  
I wasn't too empowered myself, though.  
I hadn't been to that airport in two months, not since that rumbling storm that I would constantly try to get out of my head.  
Try as I might, it was there in my mind every day, burning it, hurting my whole body like a bunch of poisonous darts.  
The confusion, the idea that I had hurt who I held the most dear, losing them as a consequence.  
In that time I had away from them, there had been many developments.  
For instance, the moment I got home, I told many people about it, hoping they could understand my pain.  
In conclusion, the friendship was toxic and I had been emotionally (and physically, with some pranks) abused and I wasn't even aware of it.  
That was a lot to take in, but, thinking back to many aspects of my friendship with those people, I realized that they were right.  
I didn't blame them, though.  
I knew I had issues with attachment, especially to Eric, but I didn't really want to see past my striking fascination with him.  
I was blinded by love, attraction and the feeling of belonging, of family, of people who truly cared about me, more than words could say.  
But those people were too fragile, so much that they would often release all of their frustrations on me, with those pranks and their "orders".  
Eric, well... He knew how to control people's minds.  
He was a puppet master, someone with the ability to convince a group of people into believing he was the fairest of them all, a person with no flaws, too perfect to walk the Earth.  
It was scary to think that I would have died for him, that I would have let him do anything to me, to my body.  
Despite opening my eyes about them, I couldn't resist the urge to send Heidi a message, which contained my sincerest apologies. I had hurt her, the best one in the group, so I thought she deserved that.  
I had told her everything about my obsession with her boyfriend, because she wanted to know.  
I asked for her forgiveness, but she didn't reply.  
I even sent a letter to Eric, explaining what he meant to me for all that time.  
Nothing.  
I had to go through therapy to even make sense of what had happened.  
The therapist, too, said that I had been a victim of a mental abuse, but that I had been wrong to lie to them, especially Heidi, even if their reaction had been exaggerated.  
But then again, they had always been exaggerated people.  
I was still attached to them, though, so I would often go to where Heidi was working for the Summer, beg her to meet me to talk, but her only response had been a long message saying to me just how awful I had been to her, to everyone.  
Such a message can't be forgotten, as it contained strong, hurtful words she had blurted out as a way to cope with her pain.  
In addition to it, she knew what would hurt me the most, because she knew me well.  
Her words had stabbed me like a knife. She was right to say I should have left, but what she wasn't aware of was the toxicity of the whole situation, the attachment we had all created, their treatment towards me like I was their little boy and not their friend.  
I felt bad for them, because they never would have been able to leave the vortex of possessiveness, control and obsessiveness.  
So I had to thank them for cutting me out of their lives, I had surely saved myself from a dangerous situation.  
True, I was in a lot of pain still, but I was opening my eyes.  
That Sunday morning in the airport, I froze in my tracks when I saw the six of them - Wendy was there too - laughing and chatting with each other, surely ready to take an airplane which would bring them to their sunny vacation, the second one of the year.  
I stared at them for a while.  
I caught their eye for a bit. It was like looking at a dead body, no emotion came from their faces.  
My heart sunk, but then I sighed as I physically, yet symbolically, walked away from them, feeling completely  
untangled from them and their dynamics.  
I was making my way towards my new life, ready to leave the town that had hurt me so badly and start all over in a foreign city.  
It would have been a long journey, but I was ready to take back my life.

_**The end. **_


End file.
